digiorno | ic inbox ( ruby city ) Ⅰ

[one can fault dio for literally everything except his confidence, honestly.]

I wouldn't mind a cup of black coffee, if that's okay.

[spoken like a true insomniac on his last nerves]

[He flashes Kakyoin an "I see you and get you and definitely am in no place to judge you" kind of smile, then pushes his chair back and crosses over to step behind the counter. It's probably telling that in the time since he's arrived, he's somehow acquired permission to go literally anywhere in here that he wants to, whether or not someone else is supervising or not.]

[Confidence. Sometimes it's genetic.]

[It's only while he's pouring a (very large) cup of (very hot) black coffee that he realizes he never actually argued against the purpose of this visit - to make sure he's all right. That distracts him for long enough that he fills it almost too full and has to be cautious crossing back to the table, although his balance is naturally as good as a Victorian schoolgirl's.]

I told him to give something to you a while ago. I don't know if he ever did. Nothing as good as that, of course, but that's as it should be.

[Boyfriends are supposed to give the best presents.]

This was a month or so ago--he realized he'd missed my birthday, I guess.

[For lack of anything else to do for the moment, he turned his sunglasses over in his hand a few times. It looked like Giorno was as much a tired mess as Kakyoin himself--for a second he wondered if they'd run into a similar manifestation.]

I can't think of anything else he's-... [Frowning, he paused for a second.] ...Wait, no. I woke up with a cup of chocolate pudding balanced on my head not that long ago.

[Said with a look of fucking really.]

Edited 2015-11-01 00:13 (UTC)

[hfnsdxlfdh. Not. Laughing. Smiling, though, he's only human, after all.]

Fitting, I guess. I balanced it on his hat.

[Never let it be said that Jotaro doesn't have a sense of humor.]

. . . It's my favorite. He found out somehow and said I had to bring some when I needed to talk.

Unbelievable.

[For god's sake, Jotaro. Kakyoin shook his head, trying to repress the urge to laugh himself. Silently, he filed away the remark of it's my favorite as an important note to be remembered.]

I'd have brought some if I knew. I'd hate to trouble you out of nowhere with nothing to show for it in return.

I don't need to be bribed to be talked to, Kakyoin.

[It was still kind of amused, but there was a little bit of force behind it, too. If this was going to be an equitable exchange, like it was supposed to be, then it's not about "something to show for it".]

Sorry, sorry. I didn't mean it like that.

[He held up his hands, smiling but genuinely apologetic.]

It's good to see you, at any rate.

I know. For me, too. I was worried there, not being able to stay in touch with everyone.

[Which contained permission for Kakyoin to open the conversation, if he wanted to, or stay in safe territory if he wasn't ready yet.]

...I wasn't carrying my watch when I ended up over there, so trying to contact me wouldn't do much anyway.

[Kakyoin stopped fidgeting, setting his sunglasses aside.]

Thanks--for being concerned, when I started to realize I'd forgotten something. I know what it was now, and I think everything's back in order.

Of course I was concerned. I wouldn't let anything happen to you.

[This statement, with all its Giorno-esque hallmarks of genuineness to the point of social discomfort, was followed up with a sharp frown, a shake of his head.]

I don't mean "let". You can take care of yourself; that's not it. Only if something did happen and I could do something about it--

[Well, that wasn't true, either.]

Or if I could hurt the person who did it. I would.

[A beat.]

Anyway. If you want to tell me, I'd like to know, but if you don't, I understand.

It's okay, Giorno. I know you and Jotaro are both aware I can take care of myself; I just find it frustrating when I think I'm being treated as though I'm something fragile. But I think that I'm...learning to understand that distinction. Between the general concepts of 'I want to protect you' and 'I want to support you', I mean. Obviously, I would do the same for you or any of our friends, so being annoyed about the reverse kind of just makes me a hypocrite.

[Sighing, he folded his hands.]

...Regardless, I'd...forgotten someone significant, when we last spoke. I wasn't attacked here, I've had scars since the day that I arrived--more than just the ones on my face.

Hmm. Knowing it's hypocritical doesn't necessarily stop one from feeling it anyway.

[You know, from one hypocrite to another. But he did get serious when Kakyoin did, cocking his head curiously.]

[It was - not really any one thing that gave it away, more the overall impression. The way he sat, the way his hands folded on the table, someone significant, since the day that I arrived - ah.]

. . . If you're talking about what I think you're talking about, I think it's an unusual sort of cruelty to have to learn about that twice.

...It wasn't exactly pleasant, no. The sheer amount of memories I'd lost without fully realizing it was unsettling enough on its own.

[His hands tensed slightly, Kakyoin consciously stopping himself from going back to nervous fidgeting.]

We ended up an illusion of Cairo; myself, Jotaro, his mother, Jonathan, and Lisa Lisa. Obviously none of it was real, but I...saw him again.

[...]

I was worried. I thought there might have been a chance you could have run into something similar.

Kakyoin.

[It didn't come out angry, just exasperated. Why were they like this? Why was it that even in the most personal of crises, they refused to think of themselves?]

Dio wasn't there.

[And he said it deliberately, in a way that made it clear he didn't approve of dodging around the use of his name as though it might summon him, but then he - hesitated. Frowned. Looked down at his cappuccino for a moment.]

. . . Just me.

Edited 2015-11-01 03:35 (UTC)

...

[Kakyoin didn't flinch at the sharp exasperation, but he hesitated to answer. Instead, he looked directly at Giorno ascalmly as he could.]

I'm as willing to listen as I'm sure you are, if you decide you want to talk about it.

[For a moment he didn't say anything. Just watched the slow-motion movements of foam disintegrating in his cup, the layer of it merging slowly with the steamed milk.]

You said something to me once about . . . how I wasn't his legacy. I remember being so deeply struck by it, because when I told Bruno, he said the same thing. The same words exactly. And Jotaro told me that he was - we all are - afraid of being like him. I remember . . .

[He laughed, a little shaky.]

I remember that was the first time you addressed me by my first name. I do know what that means, you know. To you. And then Jotaro did, too, by saying he didn't want Don Giovanna, and - the two of you, due, you're magnificent bastards, honestly. You know how to cut me down at the knees with no effort.

So you know what I mean when I say that there are things about what I know of him that I see in myself, and I hope you'll respect me when I say that that isn't self-flagellation. It's the truth.

...We're a good team, what can I say? [Shrugging, Kakyoin answered with a hesitant laugh of his own.]

Some situations call for 'Giovanna', and ones like these are where 'Giorno' is simply more appropriate. I understand the significance a given name can have, beyond just a simple cultural difference. It's something that's uniquely one's own, no matter what they decide to make it.

[Kakyoin didn't know anything about 'Haruno Shiobana'--it was impossible for him to have any idea that he was talking about anyone but himself. Restless hands getting the better of him despite being the picture of calm, Kakyoin Tenmei reached out and took a drink of the coffee in front of him.]

No--I won't argue, but I also won't say that you've struck me as truly similar to him since that first night. But I... [He trailed off, glancing down to the table before finding the confidence to look back up.]

Maybe I don't have a place to say this, where my connection isn't quite as personal as yours or Jotaro's. But there's something I've been carrying, too--something that reminds me too much of him.

[Another pause.]

I don't want to make this all about myself, just...I wanted to make that clear. That you and Jojo aren't the only ones with that kind of reminder.

[Something like - no, not like, it was pain that flashed across Giorno's face just then. Something uniquely one's own; was that the same thing as a lie? Because Giorno Giovanna was a lie. It was a story he told, a precedent he set from his very first meeting with anyone, a foundation of insincerity on which to build a house of lies and manipulation. And he had his reasons, and they were good reasons, but that didn't make it less of a lie.]

[So it goes. He watched Kakyoin drink his coffee and felt a small pinprick of satisfaction at having done something perfectly. And when Kakyoin said that - I wanted to make that clear - maybe he shouldn't, but he reached across the table and rested his fingertips against Kakyoin's wrist for a second or two before withdrawing, expression serene as usual despite the obvious tension in his shoulders.]

I know you do. That's why I said we all do. But - please. It helps me to know if it helps you. I think we've all been alone in being afraid of ourselves for long enough, don't you?

[As far as Kakyoin was concerned, whatever Giorno wanted as his name would simply be his name regardless of the reason for it. He wasn't really Kakyoin Tenmei--lonely and isolated and praying someone could be able to understand him. Noriaki was different from that, more than just a simple misreading out of distaste at the sound. It was taking the same 'bright scripture' and reinterpreting it, forming a new and better self that could leave that lonely self behind.]

I think so, as well.

[Still no one called him anything but 'Kakyoin', but that was fine. He was fairly sure he wasn't ready to let others use the name he chose for himself. Not until he was sure he could move past the fear and isolation and the sickening cowardice.]

No one really taught me how to use my Stand, obviously--all that I can do with him was learned through experience as I grew up. Trial and error, a few accidents, just like any other skill. But there's one thing he can do that I never knew about until...after I met Dio.

[...Maybe that would be sooner than he'd really given thought to.]

I can control people, Giorno. Hierophant can reach under their skin, take every inch of their nervous system and use their body as a puppet. When I met Jotaro--while I was under his control--I even used a school nurse to stab someone in the eye with a pen. [That was the first he'd ever actually spoken of that particular detail, and Kakyoin's hands went rigidly tense around his cup of coffee.]

I don't care if that wasn't me or if I had no control over it. I know I didn't, but that doesn't change anything. My Hierophant is the most important thing to me, and the fact that my reflection has a power like that...it bothers the hell out of me, Giorno. If I have to resort to using it--what if it gets stronger, if I find out I can control more than just physical movements? I don't want anyone to go through something like what happened to me and to Polnareff.

[I bet he thought that was funny.]

[That was his first thought - and a second later he could've slapped himself for it. This wasn't supposed to be about Dio. It was about Kakyoin, and him, and the things that made them the same, their strengths and their fears both. Dio was an incidental this time, and that thought made him grimly pleased, because from everything he knew he was sure that that would drive him insane.]

[(Wasn't it true, though? That he would have loved it, taking a child and twisting him into something more like himself, and then realizing, halfway through, that there was a tool in that child that was perfectly reflective of his own manipulative intentions? Wouldn't he have laughed? Giorno knew he would have laughed, if he had had one ounce less luck, if he had stayed with his mother and stepfather for one month longer, if, if, if - and this was what they didn't understand, that it wasn't one aspect of himself that he feared, it was so many, things that if he looked at them sideways were direct in origin, easy to trace back to their roots. His roots.)]

[His expression flickered, like an old movie projected onto a hung-up bedsheet or a blank white wall, as he tried to settle on something, anything, to think, to say, to feel. In the end, what came out was a sigh; he pressed the tips of his fingers to his temples and rubbed small circles.]

Power . . . is just power. That's what I should say now. That power is only meaningful as it's wielded. A knife can cut the stems off a flower or gouge someone's eye out. Hands can hold or they . . . can strike out at something weak, and. Ah.

But that's shit, in this case. A Stand is not a knife. It's part of us. You know that better than anyone, so I'm not going to use a stupid argument on you in order to try to make myself feeling better about not being able to make you feel better.

I think you have a penchant for manipulation. I do. But I also know, from personal experience and from everything you or Jotaro have ever told me about you, that when you're in control of yourself, you use your ability to read and understand people in order to protect the people that you care about. When we met, do you remember, the night I arrived - you took one look at me and you knew exactly how to address me so that I would focus on you instead of Jotaro. So that I would see you as an equal; somehow you knew, too, that unless I saw you as an intellectual equal as well as a threat, I would ignore you and move on to the threat presented by Star Platinum, by Jotaro's fear. I don't think you even thought about it on a conscious level. You saw and understood and acted, and it was not only a right move, it was the only right move.

Being able to control people is a matter of degree. I control people all day, every day. Everyone does. It's part of being human. Where it goes wrong is when you do it solely for yourself, and I've never once seen you do that. I've never caught you even musing on it.

I'm not telling you not to worry about it. You should think about it. It's important to consider your actions and motivations always, whatever they are, because powerful people who aren't self-aware are very dangerous.

. . . That's it, really. That's where danger in power comes from. Selfishness, ignorance, and greed. Everything else - cruelty, sadism, callousness, a thirst for power, everything - it comes from one of those, or a combination. That's what I believe, anyway.

[Giorno really was amazing.]

[That was the first thought that crossed Kakyoin's mind as he listened with the utmost attention, slowly disengaging the iron grip he held on a cup of coffee. His father's charisma had been a horrifying weapon, the cold whisper of death at the back of his neck. With Giorno, it was calming without the added edge of an oncoming storm. He may have said Kakyoin knew what to say--and maybe he did, when it counted--but it wasn't Kakyoin that could come up with exactly what was needed in response right now.]

[It was a relief, somehow. It was such a relief that something stung at the corner of his eyes, and he quietly put his sunglasses back on until he had better control of himself.]

'Evil is...when you use the weak for your own gain, and crush them under your foot.'

[He repeated the words slowly, voice colored by a wavering laugh.]

[It was just an ability. He'd already known that...hadn't he? That was why this was something he couldn't confide to Jotaro; because fearing his own power while insisting he didn't care if his friend could stop time would be unforgivable hypocrisy.]

You're right. I'm sorry--that's something that should have been obvious to me. I do pride myself on strategy if nothing else; I can read people in a fight like it's second nature, but I'm afraid I'm still learning how to do it otherwise.

[Kakyoin lowered his sunglasses, taking a second to collect his thoughts before speaking again.]

For what it's worth, you--this may not be my place to say either--but I can recognize the similarities between the two of you. But the way you are and the way he was, it's...'distorted' is the word which comes to mind. The people who follow you do it because they love you, not your power or the illusion of it. You're unimaginably powerful, but not convinced that it puts you above everyone else.

[Shaking his head, Kakyoin laughed with a little more confidence.

I said you weren't his legacy, and I meant it. You're something far, far better than he ever could have been, Giorno.

Edited (i forgot the most important part) 2015-11-01 06:36 (UTC)

[. . . Oh.]

[Oh.]

[There were always these moments, scattered moments, when Giorno looked exactly his age. They were rare, but they happened, and they always caught him as much by surprise as they did anyone else. Jotaro was becoming an expert at pulling them out, wonder and curiosity with no element of calculation in it, making him Giorno instead of Don Giovanna.]

[But sometimes, more rarely, he faced moments when he wasn't either. When he wasn't Don Giovanna, or Giorno, who came before, or Haruno who came before that, even, but a child so young he didn't know his own name, only that he existed and wanted to reach out for - something, anything.]

[That was the look he wore now, curious as a child discovering its own toes for the first time, because this, this time, this made sense. Finally, finally it was being said in a way that he understood - and of course it was coming from Kakyoin, of course it was, because who else talked to him like this, who else engaged in the same polite double-speak and aggressive honesty, who else could it have possibly been?]

[For once, there was no denying that the similarities were there. They were. It was a fact, finally acknowledged. But similar qualities differently expressed were inherently different. That made sense.]

Distorted . . . like light through a flawed gem.

[But he . . . possessed clarity. Didn't he? Clarity and drive, and somewhere down the line a host of chaotic criminals taught him what it meant to care and be loyal, and now he could focus the light that shone through him into a thousand points of perfect illumination. Kill the shadows where they stand.]

[He touched his lips in wonder, feeling the shape of them as he mouthed the word again, distorted. Ah. Clarity.]

Gold Experience can do so many things that frighten me. It brought Bruno back, when I was trying to heal him, but he was already gone. That's what I forgot, what we met there: the memory of me trying to bring him back. To leave, we had to let him go.

And there was a part of me there that refused to let him go. It got so angry, so violent, I was worried it was going to hurt one of us. It said things . . . but the drive to control life is only fear, isn't it? If I turn my back on my own fear, it will grow. Fear . . .

[His hand dropped to the table, fingers trembling.]

I was wrong before, I think. Selfishness, ignorance, greed, and fear - those are the things that ruin us. Fear makes people do crazy things. Bruno . . . he wasn't afraid.

[So why be afraid now? He looked up at Kakyoin, just watched him for a moment, trying - trying to decide.]

...Fear's a peculiar thing. I'm still trying to understand it a little more, myself. [Finally taking off his sunglasses again, Kakyoin set them aside and slowly brought his hands together with a couple inches' space between them.]

I ended up under his control because I was too afraid to fight, and I've blamed myself for that ever since. Because I was terrified of death, I ended up hurting and almost killing people that had never done anything to me. In Cairo, after everything I...wasn't afraid to die anymore. Not if doing it meant saving everyone else.

It was always fear that held me back. Fear of people that couldn't understand me, of death, and especially of my own weaknesses. And I'm still afraid, even after all this. I'm afraid of being too weak to fight beside the people I love, afraid of a power I can't even perceive, I'm afraid of a goddamned clock tower for god's sake. And all I know how to do is to take 'fear' and crush it underfoot; force it back and pretend it doesn't exist.

[Hierophant's hands formed transparent over Kakyoin's own, a faint green glow between them as a small emerald began to form and take shape with a sound like crackling ice. Kakyoin's voice was soft and deliberate, focused on what he was doing rather than look back at Giorno.]

I can understand Buccellati in that I know now what it's like to not be afraid of dying. And because I know Jotaro, I think I can start to comprehend the kind of fear turned to desperation that would lead one to want to prevent it. I'm not calling it right or wrong to try to prevent it--I don't know what I would do in that position, and I don't even know what to do about myself.

[The light glow faded, Kakyoin reaching out and setting an emerald shaped like a ladybug on the table in front of Giorno.]

But I...really do think I understand what it's like to have to fight against your own fear.

[This . . .]

[It was funny, really. Little gestures like this always reminded him of Jotaro now. Everyone he loved had their unique ways of loving back. Izabel worked to make him laugh. Jotaro distracted him with words or actions, or asked what he liked best in secret and then made it happen. Bruno was just there, a constant supportive presence, a good man, his family. Trish refused to give him any slack and rested her head on him and called him nicknames, and Mista was an extension of him, openly and unabashedly devoted in a way no one had ever been before, a way he'd earned.]

[But here Kakyoin was, in typical fashion, with a pincer attack: words not only clever and articulate but undeniably logical, and the ability to make beautiful, thoughtful things out of nothing. And once again, it seemed as though he hadn't really thought about it. It was so strange to think that someone like this didn't understand the depths of his own capacity for kindness, that he thought his only value was being valuable, rather than in some intrinsic rightness he possessed without any effort at all.]

[Giorno took the emerald between his fingers, turning it, inspecting it from all angles in the light streaming through the window. He wasn't shaking anymore. Just smiling.]

Thank you, Kakyoin. Very much. I always feel as though when I speak to you, I come away a thousand times more clear-headed.

Do you have any idea, though, how much you remind me of myself sometimes? It's uncanny. We're not the same, I know we're not, but - it took me so long to learn what I was and what I wanted to be, to leave uncertainty behind, for the most part at least. And sometimes it still seems like there's so much work left to do.

I was about to say exactly the same thing, on both counts. You have the unique ability to point out the obvious things that I've somehow overlooked in the clearest way possible. Straightforward people like that are something I honestly appreciate.

[Hierophant changed form as he spoke, disappearing from Kakyoin's hands and retreating around its user's arm to hide under his sleeve like a snake looking for warmth.]

It doesn't take long for me to decide whether or not I like someone, and I've respected you immeasurably since that first night, the minute you told us about what you wanted for Passione. Like you, I'm willing to do what others would consider 'immoral' in the name of what's really right--obviously I've killed people, and may have even hotwired a car or two on the way to Egypt. It's hardly on the scale of reforming a criminal organization, but I leave the larger-picture things to other people. To put it in perspective, you're the kind of person I would follow without hesitation, of my own free will. ...even if my parents would probably disapprove of organized crime as a viable career path.

[A genuine smile came across Kakyoin's face, sincere instead of the pleasantly diplomatic or passive-aggressive looks he so often wore.]

You compared Passione under Diavolo to a tree choked with wisteria, too. At the time and even more so now, I thought wisteria suited you just as much--not because of that, but because of its meaning. Victory over hardship, loving support, enduring through heartache...I think we can both understand that. Right?

Edited 2015-11-01 17:33 (UTC)

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