digiorno | ic inbox ( ruby city ) Ⅰ

[...That was easily the cutest damn thing in the world, and Kakyoin made a very important mental note to get Giorno to do that as much as possible.]

That's high praise, coming from you. I have to confess I'm not used to fitting in many places.

Oh, I'm not either. For a long time I didn't even try. It's harder than it seems to people who've never had to work at it.

...neither did I. It was far too much work that ended in persistent disappointment.

[. . .]

It's been long enough that I thought I'd be used to it...you know, having actual friends. But I guess I just still don't know how to react around them sometimes.

I know.

[Secretly had a big old conversation about your inability to chill at the prospect of having friends, Kakyoin.]

I wouldn't have gotten even remotely competent at . . . dealing with people, really connecting, if it weren't for Bruno, I don't think. All of them, but--

[He looked down at the ladybug again.]

Bruno taught me how to treat people with love, and Mista taught me how to prioritize my friends' lives over victory.

And how to have fun. That, too.

...

[Kakyoin glanced away, expression turning to a fond but forlorn smile.]

I don't know who or what I'd be if not for them. If I hadn't been involved in all this, I'd...just be on my own, even now. Still that miserable, despairing, isolated coward that wanted to change himself. They weren't the most conventional group of friends, but they're mine. I'll never forget a second of the time we spent together, even if it was short.

[Even if it ended the way it did, and even if he never saw the rest of them again. If he really did end up having to die for them, that was fine.]

Like I told you before...we belong here now. Even if we're not family, we're...family. Right?

Mm.

[He nodded, still not quite looking up yet, just thinking about all of this. He'd still be on his own, too - even if he'd succeeded at becoming Don of Passione without Bruno, he'd be running it into the ground. And he'd be miserable. Because . . . Bruno taught him how to treat people with love, and Mista taught him how to be happy.]

[In the end, when he did glance up at Kakyoin again, it was a little too solemn, maybe, considering how light things had been a moment ago. But it was genuine, and he felt that was important, more important than being misleading to maintain some arbitrary standard of politeness. They were both beyond that with each other at this point, he though.]

We are. And you know that you're my family, too, if you want to be. Right? One of us.

[Kakyoin folded his arms, clinging to either the fabric of his jacket or Hierophant beneath it. It wasn't clear which, but anyone that knew Kakyoin could take a pretty good guess.]

I'd really...like that, Giorno.

[His voice faltered and faded near the end of that sentence, and it was an agonizingly long few seconds before Kakyoin looked up again.]

I'm just...tired of feeling like this. Like I don't belong here when even I know that I do, or like I'm...replacing my real family for another one. I'm so sick of feeling guilty for everything I do at every minute.

. . . Kakyoin, I . . . never really had a real family. Ah - so I don't know if I should say this, but I'm going to say it anyway. All right?

I don't think you can replace family. You can't ever take one person in your life and fill that role with someone else. It's just impossible. You can add to family, though. And I think the people in your family back home would understand and be happy for you, that you've found more people you love.

...sorry. I probably shouldn't have brought them up, I know it's not the best subject in this case. But...no, you're probably right. They'd be relieved, I think--they always worried about how I never made friends with anyone.

[Hesitating, Kakyoin silently debated if he should continue. Did he really have any place saying this to Giorno of all people?]

I lied to them about Egypt. I made up some excuse and left with barely another word, after acting however strangely I must have been for months before that. In all the chaos, I barely even contacted them in those fifty days. And I don't think I've ever been honest with my parents a single day in my life...about Hierophant or anything else.

[And I might never get a chance to fix that, he thought, forcing back the remark that didn't need saying.]

Is it...still acceptable to try and find a place in a family I have nothing to do with after I fucked everything up with my own? I might just do the same here, somehow.

Edited 2015-11-02 03:03 (UTC)

[It didn't need saying. He understood it effortlessly, because - well, it obviously wasn't the same at all, but it was similar to how he felt about Abbacchio. He wanted a chance to fix that. He wanted things to be okay, or as okay as they ever were. To have his family as together as the universe would allow.]

[So, one more time, he leaned forward and rested his hands over Kakyoin's hands, ducking his head to look up at him seriously.]

Family loves you no matter how many times you fuck up.

[You fucked up and people died . . .]

No matter how many times you do it, they let you back in, and they forgive you. We will always forgive you, Kakyoin.

[Before he could let himself second-guess it, Kakyoin moved his hands to grip Giorno's securely but gently enough to leave the option of pulling away if he chose to.]

Thank you. I...you know that goes both ways, don't you? It's not important to me who you're related to, how similar you are, or what name you use. All that matters is that you're my friend, and my family if that's what you want to be.

[It made him smile. He hadn't expected it, that reciprocation, and would have been fine if Kakyoin had pulled away, but the fact that he didn't - that he chose to take comfort for himself as well as giving it back - was important. So it felt right to squeeze his fingers a little, to reinforce the fact that he was really there and not leaving, no matter what.]

I do know that. Sometimes I know it but don't believe it - but I do know it.

And I do want that. To be your family.

Edited (i forgot half of my tag???) 2015-11-02 04:54 (UTC)

I'll say it as much as necessary for you to believe it. You'd do the same for me, I'm certain of that.

And I'd really be honored to be able to consider you family.

Well, consider yourself honored, then.

[He pursed his lips for a moment; then:]

If Polnareff were here, he'd do something stupid and ruin the moment.

He excels at that. It's quite the talent, isn't it?

It really is. Especially because I can be too serious. Sometimes at home we'll be in a meeting or something and he'll make a joke and just kind of look at me, and it's only then that I realize . . .

[That you were looking at the person across from you like you were about to very sweetly strangle them?]

That everything's really going well.

I probably can be too, from time to time.

[Which was probably just what happened when a kid never really learned to have fun.]

...He actually even taught me a secret handshake, once.

He what?

[HIS EYES ARE AS WIDE AS SAUCERS RIGHT NOW. Polnareff knows a secret handshake?]

Yeah--he came up to me a little before we crossed into Egypt and said 'Kakyoin, do you want to see something cool', so obviously I said yes. I thought it was pretty cool, myself.

[It was not nearly as cool as he seemed to think, but Kakyoin still leaned forward slightly with an eager smile.]]

...Giorno, do you want me to show you?

[THE MOST INTENSE NODDING.]

If he shows up here, I have to be able to surprise him with something.

Okay--give me your hands, I'll walk you through it once.

[And by 'me' that time, he meant Hierophant. The Stand snuck out of Kakyoin's shadow in thin ribbons and reached for Giorno's wrists delicately, with the intention of carefully guiding him through a few simple gestures to match Kakyoin's own.]

[Okay first of all: ahhhh??? Hierophant is touching him? He goes wide-eyed and follows along obediently, a little clumsy with the movements at first because what the actually fuck is this.]

I can't imagine Polnareff doing this . . .

Really? He was pretty enthusiastic about it at the time.

[gio you small adorable child you]

I'm so angry with him, he should have told me.

[Maybe he would have if you didn't act 45 years old all the time??? Also, when the first walkthrough is done, he taps Hierophant lightly on one of his ribbons and wiggles his fingers. Hel-lo.]

If he shows up here, I'll have to give him hell for that.

[oh hello there indeed. Hierophant wiggled slightly in what might have been appreciation, Kakyoin apparently realizing for the first time that he'd kind of been all in Giorno's personal space with it.]

Ah--sorry about that. I wasn't really thinking. [Hierophant pulled back, wrapping around Kakyoin's arms instead.] That wasn't too weird, was it?

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WE'RE UNDER ATTACK AND COULD DIE AT ANY TIME

THERE IS ALWAYS TIME FOR A SECRET HANDSHAKE, JOSEPH

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