digiorno | ic inbox ( ruby city ) Ⅰ

[Giorno really was amazing.]

[That was the first thought that crossed Kakyoin's mind as he listened with the utmost attention, slowly disengaging the iron grip he held on a cup of coffee. His father's charisma had been a horrifying weapon, the cold whisper of death at the back of his neck. With Giorno, it was calming without the added edge of an oncoming storm. He may have said Kakyoin knew what to say--and maybe he did, when it counted--but it wasn't Kakyoin that could come up with exactly what was needed in response right now.]

[It was a relief, somehow. It was such a relief that something stung at the corner of his eyes, and he quietly put his sunglasses back on until he had better control of himself.]

'Evil is...when you use the weak for your own gain, and crush them under your foot.'

[He repeated the words slowly, voice colored by a wavering laugh.]

[It was just an ability. He'd already known that...hadn't he? That was why this was something he couldn't confide to Jotaro; because fearing his own power while insisting he didn't care if his friend could stop time would be unforgivable hypocrisy.]

You're right. I'm sorry--that's something that should have been obvious to me. I do pride myself on strategy if nothing else; I can read people in a fight like it's second nature, but I'm afraid I'm still learning how to do it otherwise.

[Kakyoin lowered his sunglasses, taking a second to collect his thoughts before speaking again.]

For what it's worth, you--this may not be my place to say either--but I can recognize the similarities between the two of you. But the way you are and the way he was, it's...'distorted' is the word which comes to mind. The people who follow you do it because they love you, not your power or the illusion of it. You're unimaginably powerful, but not convinced that it puts you above everyone else.

[Shaking his head, Kakyoin laughed with a little more confidence.

I said you weren't his legacy, and I meant it. You're something far, far better than he ever could have been, Giorno.

Edited (i forgot the most important part) 2015-11-01 06:36 (UTC)

[. . . Oh.]

[Oh.]

[There were always these moments, scattered moments, when Giorno looked exactly his age. They were rare, but they happened, and they always caught him as much by surprise as they did anyone else. Jotaro was becoming an expert at pulling them out, wonder and curiosity with no element of calculation in it, making him Giorno instead of Don Giovanna.]

[But sometimes, more rarely, he faced moments when he wasn't either. When he wasn't Don Giovanna, or Giorno, who came before, or Haruno who came before that, even, but a child so young he didn't know his own name, only that he existed and wanted to reach out for - something, anything.]

[That was the look he wore now, curious as a child discovering its own toes for the first time, because this, this time, this made sense. Finally, finally it was being said in a way that he understood - and of course it was coming from Kakyoin, of course it was, because who else talked to him like this, who else engaged in the same polite double-speak and aggressive honesty, who else could it have possibly been?]

[For once, there was no denying that the similarities were there. They were. It was a fact, finally acknowledged. But similar qualities differently expressed were inherently different. That made sense.]

Distorted . . . like light through a flawed gem.

[But he . . . possessed clarity. Didn't he? Clarity and drive, and somewhere down the line a host of chaotic criminals taught him what it meant to care and be loyal, and now he could focus the light that shone through him into a thousand points of perfect illumination. Kill the shadows where they stand.]

[He touched his lips in wonder, feeling the shape of them as he mouthed the word again, distorted. Ah. Clarity.]

Gold Experience can do so many things that frighten me. It brought Bruno back, when I was trying to heal him, but he was already gone. That's what I forgot, what we met there: the memory of me trying to bring him back. To leave, we had to let him go.

And there was a part of me there that refused to let him go. It got so angry, so violent, I was worried it was going to hurt one of us. It said things . . . but the drive to control life is only fear, isn't it? If I turn my back on my own fear, it will grow. Fear . . .

[His hand dropped to the table, fingers trembling.]

I was wrong before, I think. Selfishness, ignorance, greed, and fear - those are the things that ruin us. Fear makes people do crazy things. Bruno . . . he wasn't afraid.

[So why be afraid now? He looked up at Kakyoin, just watched him for a moment, trying - trying to decide.]

...Fear's a peculiar thing. I'm still trying to understand it a little more, myself. [Finally taking off his sunglasses again, Kakyoin set them aside and slowly brought his hands together with a couple inches' space between them.]

I ended up under his control because I was too afraid to fight, and I've blamed myself for that ever since. Because I was terrified of death, I ended up hurting and almost killing people that had never done anything to me. In Cairo, after everything I...wasn't afraid to die anymore. Not if doing it meant saving everyone else.

It was always fear that held me back. Fear of people that couldn't understand me, of death, and especially of my own weaknesses. And I'm still afraid, even after all this. I'm afraid of being too weak to fight beside the people I love, afraid of a power I can't even perceive, I'm afraid of a goddamned clock tower for god's sake. And all I know how to do is to take 'fear' and crush it underfoot; force it back and pretend it doesn't exist.

[Hierophant's hands formed transparent over Kakyoin's own, a faint green glow between them as a small emerald began to form and take shape with a sound like crackling ice. Kakyoin's voice was soft and deliberate, focused on what he was doing rather than look back at Giorno.]

I can understand Buccellati in that I know now what it's like to not be afraid of dying. And because I know Jotaro, I think I can start to comprehend the kind of fear turned to desperation that would lead one to want to prevent it. I'm not calling it right or wrong to try to prevent it--I don't know what I would do in that position, and I don't even know what to do about myself.

[The light glow faded, Kakyoin reaching out and setting an emerald shaped like a ladybug on the table in front of Giorno.]

But I...really do think I understand what it's like to have to fight against your own fear.

[This . . .]

[It was funny, really. Little gestures like this always reminded him of Jotaro now. Everyone he loved had their unique ways of loving back. Izabel worked to make him laugh. Jotaro distracted him with words or actions, or asked what he liked best in secret and then made it happen. Bruno was just there, a constant supportive presence, a good man, his family. Trish refused to give him any slack and rested her head on him and called him nicknames, and Mista was an extension of him, openly and unabashedly devoted in a way no one had ever been before, a way he'd earned.]

[But here Kakyoin was, in typical fashion, with a pincer attack: words not only clever and articulate but undeniably logical, and the ability to make beautiful, thoughtful things out of nothing. And once again, it seemed as though he hadn't really thought about it. It was so strange to think that someone like this didn't understand the depths of his own capacity for kindness, that he thought his only value was being valuable, rather than in some intrinsic rightness he possessed without any effort at all.]

[Giorno took the emerald between his fingers, turning it, inspecting it from all angles in the light streaming through the window. He wasn't shaking anymore. Just smiling.]

Thank you, Kakyoin. Very much. I always feel as though when I speak to you, I come away a thousand times more clear-headed.

Do you have any idea, though, how much you remind me of myself sometimes? It's uncanny. We're not the same, I know we're not, but - it took me so long to learn what I was and what I wanted to be, to leave uncertainty behind, for the most part at least. And sometimes it still seems like there's so much work left to do.

I was about to say exactly the same thing, on both counts. You have the unique ability to point out the obvious things that I've somehow overlooked in the clearest way possible. Straightforward people like that are something I honestly appreciate.

[Hierophant changed form as he spoke, disappearing from Kakyoin's hands and retreating around its user's arm to hide under his sleeve like a snake looking for warmth.]

It doesn't take long for me to decide whether or not I like someone, and I've respected you immeasurably since that first night, the minute you told us about what you wanted for Passione. Like you, I'm willing to do what others would consider 'immoral' in the name of what's really right--obviously I've killed people, and may have even hotwired a car or two on the way to Egypt. It's hardly on the scale of reforming a criminal organization, but I leave the larger-picture things to other people. To put it in perspective, you're the kind of person I would follow without hesitation, of my own free will. ...even if my parents would probably disapprove of organized crime as a viable career path.

[A genuine smile came across Kakyoin's face, sincere instead of the pleasantly diplomatic or passive-aggressive looks he so often wore.]

You compared Passione under Diavolo to a tree choked with wisteria, too. At the time and even more so now, I thought wisteria suited you just as much--not because of that, but because of its meaning. Victory over hardship, loving support, enduring through heartache...I think we can both understand that. Right?

Edited 2015-11-01 17:33 (UTC)

[Oh. Well. He had to smile at that, and while there was an element of beatific pleasure in it as in all (well, most) of his smiles, it was just as genuine as Kakyoin's own expression, this time. He turned the ladybug a couple more rotations in his hands, glancing down at it almost shyly, because . . . from Kakyoin, that meant so much, to be someone he would follow. Without hesitation.]

Right.

[And for a moment that seemed to be all of it; but then:]

Once, with Bruno, I stole a hundred cars as a diversion. And we stole a plane, but Bruno was very polite about it.

...That's...actually impressive.

[Kakyoin's smile turned to something amused, for once looking his age himself. A plane was one thing, but how in the hell did one steal a hundred cars as a diversion?]

I stole a truck in Calcutta. Ask Polnareff sometime, he might tell you. He got himself into trouble with a couple of particularly troublesome enemy Stand users, and we needed a fast getaway.

[Beat.]

It didn't actually occur to me until later that I had no idea how to drive. Not that it really mattered.

That sounds like him.

[But it was fond, not exasperated, because for all that Polnareff was annoying sometimes, it really did sound as though he'd sobered a lot since Kakyoin knew him. And that was sort of sad, honestly, because it tasted like survivor's guilt more than growing up, and - well. That wasn't what they were talking about, though.]

[He leaned forward a little bit across the table, grinning.]

I didn't, either. Because I was fifteen at the time, and Mista forgot. He was yelling at me to drive better. I had to remind him while he was fighting a Stand user following us that I couldn't drive because I was fifteen.

[Kakyoin broke out into a quiet but very genuine laugh, hurriedly hiding it behind his hand.]

Mista's a little more infuriating than Polnareff ever was, but I've noticed they're very similar in a way. That's exactly the kind of thing he might have done in any other circumstances.

[Strangely, he found himself recalling Death Thirteen again, but in a context lacking the sheer mortal terror of the incident. He never really did get Polnareff back for making Kakyoin want to throttle him, but he supposed it kind of evened itself out in the end.]

...He's a good person, but he drove us all insane more than a few times.

Edited 2015-11-01 21:43 (UTC)

[Okay, so making Kakyoin laugh was vaulting quickly to the top of his important-things-to-do-regularly list. He sat back in his seat, satisfied, and nodded, understanding completely.]

There's always got to be one of those, right? Someone to be ridiculous and drive everyone crazy in the little ways, so they don't lose it in the big ways.

I don't know, though, it was very . . . I did need him from the start. I don't think I would be who I am now without him.

[So there's that decision made, it seems; he looked at Kakyoin carefully, still smiling, but softer.]

Would it be all right if I told you something? It's not a big life-changing secret or anything, I just think it might be the right thing to do, to tell you.

No, I absolutely know what you mean. Polnareff is my closest friend after Jotaro, and frankly I could probably stand the troublesome influence once in a while.

['I need to lighten up', in other words.]

Of course, you can tell me whatever you need to. I'm listening.

I know you are.

[Because of course he was. Wasn't Kakyoin always listening to everyone but himself?]

[And now that he'd decided to do it, it didn't seem all that scary. He balanced the emerald ladybug between his first fingers, marveling at the details of it, the slight depressions that indicated spots and the slender demarcations of its legs.]

Since we were talking about names earlier, I thought you might be the best person to know - I'm not actually Italian. At all. The name I was given at birth was Shiobana Haruno. But when we moved to Italy so my mother could get married, my stepfather thought it should be changed, so it was.

I've never actually told anyone since I was . . . five? It was easier to pretend I belonged. But it was a lot to adjust to, on top of everything else.

...

[That was something he hadn't seen coming. Obviously, predicting that was impossible--even so, Kakyoin felt just a little guilty for having blindly mentioned changing one's name at all.]

It's a nice name--they both are, honestly. [Choosing his words very carefully, Kakyoin's restless hands lightly wrapped around his cup of coffee again--with a faint green glow still hidden under the sleeve of his jacket.] As I said...I understand the significance of a name no matter what it might be or how it could change.

[A pause...Kakyoin took a breath and looked up, facing Giorno steadily and with calm confidence.]

'Kakyoin Tenmei.' That's the name my parents gave me--only a few people here know that. I tell them I just don't like the way it sounded. Which I don't, but it's more than that. Either way, it's not really the same situation, considering I changed mine by choice.

But as long as we're exchanging names, it's only fair for you to have mine, too.

[Ah.]

[He looked up at that, smiling again, curious but not invasively so, just very willing to hear whatever Kakyoin is willing to tell him. It was a good thing to know, even if he never used or heard the name Tenmei again - a part of Kakyoin's history, even if it was one that he'd rejected.]

Part of the importance of Don Giovanna to me is . . . that it's mine. All mine. Something that I made and took for myself.

You do still prefer your surname?

I understand--'Noriaki' is something I needed when I was younger. Something I crafted and built on my own as well. It's written the same way...all I did was read it differently. Even at that age, I wanted to make myself into something...not what I was.

'Kakyoin' is fine--it's my name, obviously. I'm used to everyone using it, even Jotaro. I don't really think-...I'm not sure I ever really managed to become the kind of person I wanted to be, not yet. So I don't think I want anyone to casually use what I call myself just yet.

[...]

I might break Mista's nose if he continues the way he does, you understand. Nothing personal.

Of course. It should be your choice, how people address you. That's basic respect.

[. . . Basic respect, and then there's Mista. He sighed, but - still smiling, because. You know.]

If you break it for that, I'll tell him he has to wait for it to heal normally.

[And then probably fix it anyway. But, you know.]

[Kakyoin laughed again, answering with a sincere smile.]

I guess we'll have to see what happens. I certainly won't do anything unless he deserves it.

Of course you won't. I trust you. But some people only learn where the limits are with a good punch in the face.

[Or a pummeling into hell. Mista's usually a little better than that, though.]

Naturally, and it's always the difficult ones like Mista or Polnareff.

. . . Did you ever break Polnareff's nose?

[LEANS FORWARD EAGERLY.]

That time in Calcutta I mentioned? As soon as I pulled him into the truck and got away, I hit him in the face with my elbow for being an idiot.

[FRIENDSHIP]

I don't think I broke his nose, but it must have been close.

[You know how when you teach a kid to do something new and hilarious, like peek-a-boo or clapping games, they giggle and clap all excited? Yeah, that's what's happening here right now.]

See, you'd fit right in. Narancia used to threaten us with knives all the time.

[...That was easily the cutest damn thing in the world, and Kakyoin made a very important mental note to get Giorno to do that as much as possible.]

That's high praise, coming from you. I have to confess I'm not used to fitting in many places.

Oh, I'm not either. For a long time I didn't even try. It's harder than it seems to people who've never had to work at it.

...neither did I. It was far too much work that ended in persistent disappointment.

[. . .]

It's been long enough that I thought I'd be used to it...you know, having actual friends. But I guess I just still don't know how to react around them sometimes.

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