digiorno | ic inbox ( ruby city ) Ⅰ

Yes.

[He answers immediately. Yes, yes it does, more than anything in the world, that's the scariest thought there is.]

I'm scared of myself. Who I am. Who I would have been, if things had been different.

...I don't know if it's right to judge yourself on who you could have been. I know it's tempting to. I know I'm guilty of it.

[He knows there are people, ones not present in this bathroom, who've told him things like power is just power, it's what you do with it that matters and can you hold him accountable for things he hasn't done yet.

This isn't a new question, who do I have the potential to be. It's one that gets bigger and scarier when you have a hard time answering who am I, right now.]

Are you scared to change, because you're afraid it'll be for the worse?

[This one takes a little longer to answer. He's still trying, though, struggling in his silence; the gears are grinding almost audibly in his head.]

Yes.

I might have been the best I could be already. If I lose something important to me, or someone that important, maybe I'll fall. Or maybe I'm already falling and I don't even know I am.

I shouldn't put so much weight in maybes. I know that.

...Kakyoin fell down once and never forgave himself for it. He didn't know how to make me stay, didn't understand it. So he tried to be useful, but he also...he tried to take a knife to every part of himself that he thought was weak, and cut it out and throw it away. That's what makes sense to him, how he tries to be strong.

[He hadn't understood it at first, either, or at least had only understood it as isolated pieces, never knowing they added up to a full puzzle. Giorno had, because Giorno...had perspective, could see things like that in people. He wouldn't have seen it without that help.]

What happens if you fall? If you've been your best, and then you fall...then what happens?

Bruno hurts.

[The first thing. And then he turns his face away, finally, and looks down at Jolie again.]

Narancia hurts. Izabel hurts. A lot of hurt. And if I'm at home when it happens, more people than that.

...And you'd rather die than see one more person get hurt.

[The words come out distant and hollow, like an echo of a sentiment he understands all too well.]

That first night, when we met. Remember? I pulled Kakyoin behind me.

Do you think that's how it is for them, too?

I don't know. Maybe.

If it is, I have to stop. Don't I? Except it seems impossible.

You don't have to do anything.

[Because...it's not about having to, right? Because have to, that's always easier, but in the end it's just more weight, one more thing to carry. This is...]

Do you want to stop? What...do you want?

I want . . .

[Something. Something, probably. Surely he wants something.]

I want it to be last week.

. . . I want things I can't have. I don't know. I want him back. I want to stop wanting things.

You want to stop feeling like this?

[Maybe. Maybe it's worth seeing how he responds to that.]

For a little while. Yes.

[All of a sudden sitting up is too hard, and he slumps sideways onto Star.]

Maybe someone should throw me into the ocean and see if I swim.

Don't think I won't.

[Don't think Star won't adjust to make himself easier to lean on, either, unfolding and stretching out his legs to position himself like a giant purple chair forged entirely of ghost muscle.]

...Did you know that when dolphins carry people on their back, they swim so that their rider won't drown?

[He's quiet at that, burrowing his face against Star's arm just the way he did with Jotaro a moment ago. Safe here, it is safe here, he knows it is, and takes hold of Star's wrists in his thin fingers and squeezing again lightly.]

Does that make you the dolphin?

I was thinking of someone else, actually.

[With Giorno installed against Star, he takes a moment to attend to the bathtub again, splashing the water for Jolie to interact with.]

Even if you didn't swim...I think your Gold Experience would make sure there was a dolphin nearby.

. . . Do you think he's like that? The same as Star?

[Leaning back, he reaches up and runs his fingers through Star's dark bangs, watching the goings-on in the tub with the first flicker of curiosity he's shown so far.]

I don't know if he's the same. But I think...

[Hmm. The phantom sensation of fingers in his hair is strange, but weirdly distracting, and makes it easy to lose his train of thought for a moment.]

...I think he's the type to surprise you, at a time you need it the most.

He made a present for someone a few weeks ago. I didn't even know her. I didn't even know there was anyone there.

[It's easier now to look up at Star and listen to Jotaro. It's the same thing in the end, isn't it? That's what Kakyoin would say. His other hand comes up to pat Star lightly on the cheek.]

I liked it better when I thought I knew everything about myself. About him, too.

Why does it bother you? Because the things you don't know might be bad?

[He closes his eyes, despite himself, tilting his head a little in response to the phantom touch ghosting against his cheek.]

The things I don't know might be used against me, Jotaro.

[It seems so obvious to him. His voice comes quiet, so quiet, as if on some unconscious instinct he only speaks loud enough for Star to hear him, assuming that Jotaro will hear it through him.]

Things that can be used against me can be used against them. You, too.

I don't...

[He glances up, head tilted slightly to one side, his hand suspended a foot or so from the bottom of the tub where Jolie can still push her head against it as she pleases.]

I don't understand. Using Gold Experience against us?

. . . A person with separate motivations. Not exactly human, but with thoughts and opinions. They can be tricked. He could be used against me, if there's a weakness in him - an emotional one, or even just an interest.

[He glances towards Jotaro again, slows the carding of his fingers through Star's hair.]

If there are things he wants, or people he likes, he can be manipulated. Just like me.

Could he really be independent on that level? He's still you. Can he disobey?

[...Well, that's entirely Giorno's point, isn't it? If he doesn't know...]

...You don't know if he can or not.

I don't really know anything about him. He never wanted anything before except to . . . be close, I suppose.

[He huffs out a sigh and snuggles back against Star's chest, occupying both hands in braiding a strand of hair.]

He's been agitated since - I don't like letting him out in Mista's room now, even when he's not fully there I can feel him, it's like - a buzzing. Angry wasps.

...Oh. So you haven't...

[Hmm. It's strange; he's so used to being the biggest novice when it comes to Stand use (and who wouldn't, next to someone like Kakyoin), it never really occurred to him that a relationship similar to the one he has with Star might be unusual for someone else to experience, or begin to experience.

But they're all different, aren't they? Hierophant isn't like this, and...]

When Star is happy, it feels like it could knock me over. But he can only do what...I guess, what I give him the space to. Like...if I were to force him to let me get hurt, he would have to, but if I give him the space he'll try to defend me. He can't break through the boundaries that I give him.

He's not doing anything big, it's just . . .

[He draws his lip between his teeth, gnaws lightly. Maybe just saying exactly what happened would be better.]

That thing that happened before, with the flower. It was when we were hanging mistletoe. So it could have been a mimic, but it felt like - that feeling you get when you know there's something you have to do but you don't know how. And when H-- when your mother gave him something, there was something, too. Positive.

The anger is the strongest, though.

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