[It's unfortunate timing, really. As much as Giorno does want to know the source of Sai's misunderstanding--why it is he's so disconnected from his own emotions--he's been realistic about the fact that his reaction is going to be a negative one. He doesn't want to be angry now, but then again, there's no way to stop it. He can't escape that wave.]
[you have no name, you have no feelings, you have no past, you have no future. His response, emotional and uncontrollable and vicious and brutal, is anger. Hatred. He hates. He hates, he thinks how dare they, how dare they, how dare they, his mind for a few short seconds a violent righteous scream--]
[And then it's over. He steps on it, and he moves on. Focus on Sai, not the anger. Not now. Not right now, but later, maybe.]
[Root. He'll remember.]
i suppose that makes sense it is easier in a way i remember but it is very empty all the same
[I do not know how to answer that. Does Giorno? He thinks about it, and in the end isn't sure. Which he might as well say.]
that's part of what i mean, yes but there are other fears not being able to see someone again; being abandoned no longer being loved
and then there are nebulous fears, what-ifs that don't make sense or don't even have words
fear, of all the emotions, is the hardest to control, in my opinion it pries open your jaws and crawls down the back of your throat and chokes you sometimes it's all you can do to breathe, much less reason out where the fear came from
[I remember, Giorno says, and Sai is both surprised and unsurprised. He's had the sense, ever since the winter ball, that the other boy is like him somehow, that he's someone that could understand how he thought, the way the world looked through his eyes. "I'm not normal," he'd said, and Sai remembered what he say in Perdition's Rest--a man who could torture another without laying a hand on him, with a creature of his own making. Sai doesn't know much of anything about Giorno, not really, but it'd been then that he'd realized that the boy was something akin to shinobi; something that had to fight, who knew how to destroy, how to kill effectively.
He reads the explanation, and sighs. Emotion is still something he feels as akin to viewing through a glass of water. Condensation blurs the view within, and even trying to wipe it away left distortions -- clarity still just out of reach.]
how can one begin to understand feelings that they cannot even describe in words?
[Will it always be this hard? Will he never quite understand? Or will he find the clarity that Giorno has, someday, and be able to look back at this time as "empty" the way he does?]
i remember the first i noticed experiencing fear i didn't realize, until i slipped to my knees and felt the sweat drip down my cheek i am still uncertain why i was afraid
[He doesn't think it would be so impossible to kill Uchiha Sasuke, despite that moment when he'd looked into the missing-nin's sharingan eyes. Now, when it's a fear so much less tangible than that of his own mortality, it's even less clear where it came from, what it is, and how to deal with it.]
are you saying that because i hold a bond with naruto, i am afraid of losing it? and this will happen whenever danger presents itself, regardless of whether we are significantly threatened by it?
[Sakura had said something similar once, about his picture book. That the reason he never let go of it was because he wanted to hold onto that one fragment of his individual existence, as someone's brother. Maybe that applies here...?]
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no subject
[you have no name, you have no feelings, you have no past, you have no future. His response, emotional and uncontrollable and vicious and brutal, is anger. Hatred. He hates. He hates, he thinks how dare they, how dare they, how dare they, his mind for a few short seconds a violent righteous scream--]
[And then it's over. He steps on it, and he moves on. Focus on Sai, not the anger. Not now. Not right now, but later, maybe.]
[Root. He'll remember.]
i suppose that makes sense
it is easier in a way
i remember
but it is very empty all the same
[I do not know how to answer that. Does Giorno? He thinks about it, and in the end isn't sure. Which he might as well say.]
that's part of what i mean, yes
but there are other fears
not being able to see someone again; being abandoned
no longer being loved
and then there are nebulous fears, what-ifs that don't make sense or don't even have words
fear, of all the emotions, is the hardest to control, in my opinion
it pries open your jaws and crawls down the back of your throat and chokes you
sometimes it's all you can do to breathe, much less reason out where the fear came from
no subject
He reads the explanation, and sighs. Emotion is still something he feels as akin to viewing through a glass of water. Condensation blurs the view within, and even trying to wipe it away left distortions -- clarity still just out of reach.]
how can one begin to understand feelings that they cannot even describe in words?
[Will it always be this hard? Will he never quite understand? Or will he find the clarity that Giorno has, someday, and be able to look back at this time as "empty" the way he does?]
i remember the first i noticed experiencing fear
i didn't realize, until i slipped to my knees and felt the sweat drip down my cheek
i am still uncertain why i was afraid
[He doesn't think it would be so impossible to kill Uchiha Sasuke, despite that moment when he'd looked into the missing-nin's sharingan eyes. Now, when it's a fear so much less tangible than that of his own mortality, it's even less clear where it came from, what it is, and how to deal with it.]
are you saying that because i hold a bond with naruto, i am afraid of losing it? and this will happen whenever danger presents itself, regardless of whether we are significantly threatened by it?
[Sakura had said something similar once, about his picture book. That the reason he never let go of it was because he wanted to hold onto that one fragment of his individual existence, as someone's brother. Maybe that applies here...?]
no subject
it gets easier, but only with trial and error
as a perfectionist, this is personally very frustrating
but
[Hm. If Sai were someone else to him, he might say something different. But with Sai, he finds he has no interest in lying.]
yes.
it may very well keep happening
at least until you're very certain he feels the same way about you that you feel about him