[He listens. He's not very good at listening sometimes, but this is important-- and so he bites on his cigarette, inhales and exhales too deeply, and listens.
He doesn't know if he could think of a worse hell. Dying, and never having relief or rest-- just to relieve those last agonizing moments, over and over, caught in the worst kind of pain, tortured and yet never being allowed any kind of relief. Polnareff's been close enough to death to know that kind of pain; he remembers the faltering dimness of his vision, the roaring terror in his brain, the thought that at least it will all be over soon.
Would he have done that to Dio, if he'd had the ability? Probably. But it would have haunted him, eaten at his mind no matter what-- and yet Giorno tells him this steadily, uneffected by anything approaching guilt.
He can't say I take it back, because he will always, always regard similarities to Dio as an insult. It will never, ever be anything Giorno ought to take pride in, and Polnareff isn't about to encourage that line of thinking.]
And you'd do it again.
[It's not a question, nor is it any kind of condemnation. He says it to himself, simply to confirm it; a quiet acknowledgement of the fact.]
When did you first start fighting?
[Maybe they should have started with this. Hardship, and then softness. Getting to know the man before the boy.]
[That's all he says — just confirmation. He doesn't try to justify it. He doesn't want to; he doesn't feel the need to. And he doesn't take pride in it, not really. It was something that he needed to do, something that felt good to do, and it's done. It doesn't haunt him now. He would do it again, as many times as it took.]
[The question is a surprise, though. He was half expecting Polnareff to get up and walk out now. He wouldn't blame him. The surprise registers briefly, his eyebrows raising, and then he lowers his eyes to think.]
Before then.
The man I told you I saved. He was from Passione. After I saved him, he repaid his debt to me by stopping my stepfather and everyone else from hurting me. That's when I started, mm, learning to be . . . less scared. Part of that was learning to fight.
It was a very cold time. Here.
[He knocks his knuckles against his chest, over his heart.]
I didn't start fights for the sake of starting them, but I went looking for trouble sometimes. Just to see if I was the type of person who could protect people the way that that gangster did — protect people with fear and power. And then at some point I realized that if I stayed with my mother and stepfather, if I stayed with them and continued to stand up for myself, I might have to kill them.
I didn't want to, so I left. And then I started working towards Passione.
[They're very different people, he and Giorno. There's never been a moment in Polnareff's life where he worried about losing himself-- about becoming cold and detached, some kind of killing machine. He knows enough to know it's possible, and perhaps in the right set of circumstanes it could be achieved. But it's never been a worry for him, because he's never fought anyone or anything that didn't deserve it.
The words they use are a little similar, though. Protecting people, but Giorno goes about it so differently. With fear and power, not through sheer muscle, but through manipulation, though pointed gestures and moves. And he can see that coldness shining through, in the simple way he says he might have killed his mother and stepfather-- not with any real cruelty or enjoyment, but simply a fact. I might have, and god, but Polnareff can't understand that level of detachment.]
I was nineteen.
[He tips his head.]
I don't know how much you know about me-- about all of that. But I think enough, yes? [He'd looked terribly upset at the mention of Sherry, anyway, which is the confirmation Polnareff needs.] That was my introduction to all of it. Before . . . Chariot and I, we'd never really done much in terms of fighting. Certainly not to that kind of level. I'd stand up to schoolyard bullies, but . . . it wasn't anything dangerous, not at all.
But after . . . once I hit nineteen, once Sherry died, I knew. I knew I'd kill Geil, and I knew I'd kill anyone who helped him. And I did. I beat the hell out of people to get a lead, I followed every clue I could-- he wasn't subtle, so it wasn't hard. And along the way, I fought and fought and fought, because it was easier to do that than think.
[He's rambling, he thinks, and shakes his head.]
I think . . . I looked at you and I saw someone who didn't fight, who doesn't need to fight to live here, not the way we do at home. And I was . . . stupid enough, maybe, to think that was all there was to it.
[That's it, really. Not that he thinks he will become that, because he knows he will make sure to take care of himself, to surround himself with people who will help him take care. But to know that the possibility is there and very real —]
[That's why he is so insistent on this. That's why he needs for Polnareff to know, not just in his head but in his heart, that he is like his father. It makes his heart feel cold again, cold and dead and aching, but it's what has to be done.]
[He's very, very sad. Because Polnareff is disappointed in him. And that's when he knows . . .]
[He listens, first. Because he must. Because Polnareff deserves that, and more than that, and everything. But afterwards, he has to bow his head and breathe for a moment, because all his cold heart and cold mind can think of are Bruno's cold fingertips under his warm, warm hands. His failure.]
You told me. Not at first, because there was so much cleaning up to do. So much mess, so many funerals. Right about now . . . but after all of that was over, we talked a lot. You told me about her, your Sherry. What you had to do. And I thought —
I thought what I always think. That if I was a little bit stronger, a little bit better, I could bring her back. Like I thought I brought Bruno back. I thought that if I was just a little more perfect, I could break all the rules for you. But I wasn't good enough.
I'm sorry. I really —
[He covers his mouth with his hand for a moment, just a moment, until his lips stop shaking.]
I'm sorry that I'm not what you hoped I would be. And that I can't fix things. I want to fix everything, even the things I know I shouldn't.
[He puts his hand over his mouth, but not before Polnareff catches the way his mouth trembles. And the entire situation is absurd, really-- I'm sorry that I'm not what you hoped I would be, and he could say those exact same words to Giorno. He's not wise enough, clever enough, quick enough; he's not the man he'll become, someone who can advise Giorno, who understands in ways that Polnareff, now, is too stupid to.
He doesn't think; he just reaches, tugging Giorno forward, manhandling him into a hug.]
You don't have anything to be sorry for.
[Firm and rough, not something that can be argued against. An indisputable fact. He says it as firmly as he can to the top of Giorno's head-- and it's good they're like this, because he doesn't want to have to worry about how he looks for the next part of it.]
Sherry is dead. She's dead and she will not come back, no matter what I do or who I meet. I tried once to bring her back, and it taught me that-- and so there is nothing you could have done, and I wouldn't have wanted you to try. She's dead and gone and you can't fix that, and neither can I.
[He would sell the world to get her back. He'd happily trade his own life for hers, even now, in this moment, he would. But he can't. The price isn't too high; it simply doesn't exist, and that's all there is to it.]
Giorno-- you are exactly what I hoped you'd be, because you're you. I'm the one who doesn't know, the one who-- who isn't who he should be. And I'll get there, I promise I will, but-- you have to understand, Giorno, I don't know you. Not yet. Not all of it. I'm going to be stupid and make mistakes and not understand, because I'm not who I become.
[So bear with me, that's what his words convey, but what really lies beneath that is: don't be too disappointed in me. Polnareff always shoots his mouth off, says stupid things, makes errors and blunders his way through life-- and god, he doesn't want to do that here. He wants to get it all right, and he knows he can't and he won't.]
[Oh, oh no, he thinks, oh no, I messed up, oh no, he saw me, that's what he thinks as Polnareff pulls him into a crushing hug. He can't breathe and it dizzies him for a moment before he understands, remembers every touch he's ever had these last few months and how much each one means. How touch is good and safe and okay, and Polnareff will never hurt him, because he is not his father.]
[It makes him want to cry. He doesn't, though, because he thinks that if he starts so will Polnareff, and then neither of them will ever stop. So he bites his lip hard until it hurts and presses his face to Polnareff's shoulder and listens, he listens, he has to always listen, always always always — for Polnareff, his consigliere, who gave up everything for him, or will.]
[He shudders, one deep breath in and one out, and shakes his head. Not a no, but a modification.]
You're not stupid. You're perfect. I missed you so much, and — even if you don't remember, that's not what I missed about you, not the memories. I missed you.
[Fuck, don't, don't cry — he makes a quiet sound of grief and bites it back and wraps his arms around Polnareff's neck.]
I missed you because I love you and you make me feel safe. I like you how you are, however that is. Don't say should, when you're everything you should be.
[He bites his own lip, trying hard not to allow himself to cry-- not because he's ashamed, but because they need to still muddle through this, and tears won't help. But it's hard, because all of this is very nearly too much-- disappointment and assurance and I love you, so freely given that it's dizzying.]
We all fight. All of us, Kakyoin and Jotaro and Joseph and you and I-- and I forgot that.
[That they're all battle hardened, no matter how they might present themselves in their off moments. Jotaro is a deadly force of nature, even as he plays with his otter and gets flustered over Kakyoin. Giorno deliberately chose to doom a man to an eternity of agony, and yet he's crying against Polnareff's shoulder; and yet he'd leapt into Polnareff's arms the first day, chattering in Italian, so obvious in his delight to see him.
He doesn't know how to ask what he truly wants to know: is this version of me truly all right? Giorno says it is, that he's everything he ought to be, but he knows he's not-- not yet. He's not, because he saw the way Giorno's face closed, that slight nod, that acceptance that meant you messed up.
But he's something. Some rough version of himself, unpolished but getting there. And maybe that's enough, for now.
He sniffs, trying to steady himself, and smiles over at what he can see of Giorno.]
Mm, any other confessions we want to cover while we're here?
[Someday in the future, your body will die, and Chariot will die with it.]
[He doesn't say it. He can't. Sometimes he doesn't even like thinking about it, even though that's the Polnareff they're used to — and besides, they all promised, didn't they? Him and Jotaro and Kakyoin, the three of them, with their sostegno.]
[A circle has an infinite number of points. Polnareff is one of them now. Thank God.]
[He pulls back-- not to remove Giorno, necessarily, but so he can see him. All of him, and that's as much a metaphor as it is literal. Polnareff offers half a smile, and yeah, he's still a little teary, but so what, he's allowed a few tears here and there.
One of these nights, they'll talk about like I thought I brought Bruno back. Not now, though. Things are still fragile and a little uncertain-- so they'll save it. They've all the time in the world to talk.]
Come on. There's still some of your birthday cake left. We're owed a treat at the end of tonight.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
He doesn't know if he could think of a worse hell. Dying, and never having relief or rest-- just to relieve those last agonizing moments, over and over, caught in the worst kind of pain, tortured and yet never being allowed any kind of relief. Polnareff's been close enough to death to know that kind of pain; he remembers the faltering dimness of his vision, the roaring terror in his brain, the thought that at least it will all be over soon.
Would he have done that to Dio, if he'd had the ability? Probably. But it would have haunted him, eaten at his mind no matter what-- and yet Giorno tells him this steadily, uneffected by anything approaching guilt.
He can't say I take it back, because he will always, always regard similarities to Dio as an insult. It will never, ever be anything Giorno ought to take pride in, and Polnareff isn't about to encourage that line of thinking.]
And you'd do it again.
[It's not a question, nor is it any kind of condemnation. He says it to himself, simply to confirm it; a quiet acknowledgement of the fact.]
When did you first start fighting?
[Maybe they should have started with this. Hardship, and then softness. Getting to know the man before the boy.]
Fourteen, you left home. Around then?
no subject
[That's all he says — just confirmation. He doesn't try to justify it. He doesn't want to; he doesn't feel the need to. And he doesn't take pride in it, not really. It was something that he needed to do, something that felt good to do, and it's done. It doesn't haunt him now. He would do it again, as many times as it took.]
[The question is a surprise, though. He was half expecting Polnareff to get up and walk out now. He wouldn't blame him. The surprise registers briefly, his eyebrows raising, and then he lowers his eyes to think.]
Before then.
The man I told you I saved. He was from Passione. After I saved him, he repaid his debt to me by stopping my stepfather and everyone else from hurting me. That's when I started, mm, learning to be . . . less scared. Part of that was learning to fight.
It was a very cold time. Here.
[He knocks his knuckles against his chest, over his heart.]
I didn't start fights for the sake of starting them, but I went looking for trouble sometimes. Just to see if I was the type of person who could protect people the way that that gangster did — protect people with fear and power. And then at some point I realized that if I stayed with my mother and stepfather, if I stayed with them and continued to stand up for myself, I might have to kill them.
I didn't want to, so I left. And then I started working towards Passione.
no subject
The words they use are a little similar, though. Protecting people, but Giorno goes about it so differently. With fear and power, not through sheer muscle, but through manipulation, though pointed gestures and moves. And he can see that coldness shining through, in the simple way he says he might have killed his mother and stepfather-- not with any real cruelty or enjoyment, but simply a fact. I might have, and god, but Polnareff can't understand that level of detachment.]
I was nineteen.
[He tips his head.]
I don't know how much you know about me-- about all of that. But I think enough, yes? [He'd looked terribly upset at the mention of Sherry, anyway, which is the confirmation Polnareff needs.] That was my introduction to all of it. Before . . . Chariot and I, we'd never really done much in terms of fighting. Certainly not to that kind of level. I'd stand up to schoolyard bullies, but . . . it wasn't anything dangerous, not at all.
But after . . . once I hit nineteen, once Sherry died, I knew. I knew I'd kill Geil, and I knew I'd kill anyone who helped him. And I did. I beat the hell out of people to get a lead, I followed every clue I could-- he wasn't subtle, so it wasn't hard. And along the way, I fought and fought and fought, because it was easier to do that than think.
[He's rambling, he thinks, and shakes his head.]
I think . . . I looked at you and I saw someone who didn't fight, who doesn't need to fight to live here, not the way we do at home. And I was . . . stupid enough, maybe, to think that was all there was to it.
no subject
[That's why he is so insistent on this. That's why he needs for Polnareff to know, not just in his head but in his heart, that he is like his father. It makes his heart feel cold again, cold and dead and aching, but it's what has to be done.]
[He's very, very sad. Because Polnareff is disappointed in him. And that's when he knows . . .]
[He listens, first. Because he must. Because Polnareff deserves that, and more than that, and everything. But afterwards, he has to bow his head and breathe for a moment, because all his cold heart and cold mind can think of are Bruno's cold fingertips under his warm, warm hands. His failure.]
You told me. Not at first, because there was so much cleaning up to do. So much mess, so many funerals. Right about now . . . but after all of that was over, we talked a lot. You told me about her, your Sherry. What you had to do. And I thought —
I thought what I always think. That if I was a little bit stronger, a little bit better, I could bring her back. Like I thought I brought Bruno back. I thought that if I was just a little more perfect, I could break all the rules for you. But I wasn't good enough.
I'm sorry. I really —
[He covers his mouth with his hand for a moment, just a moment, until his lips stop shaking.]
I'm sorry that I'm not what you hoped I would be. And that I can't fix things. I want to fix everything, even the things I know I shouldn't.
no subject
He doesn't think; he just reaches, tugging Giorno forward, manhandling him into a hug.]
You don't have anything to be sorry for.
[Firm and rough, not something that can be argued against. An indisputable fact. He says it as firmly as he can to the top of Giorno's head-- and it's good they're like this, because he doesn't want to have to worry about how he looks for the next part of it.]
Sherry is dead. She's dead and she will not come back, no matter what I do or who I meet. I tried once to bring her back, and it taught me that-- and so there is nothing you could have done, and I wouldn't have wanted you to try. She's dead and gone and you can't fix that, and neither can I.
[He would sell the world to get her back. He'd happily trade his own life for hers, even now, in this moment, he would. But he can't. The price isn't too high; it simply doesn't exist, and that's all there is to it.]
Giorno-- you are exactly what I hoped you'd be, because you're you. I'm the one who doesn't know, the one who-- who isn't who he should be. And I'll get there, I promise I will, but-- you have to understand, Giorno, I don't know you. Not yet. Not all of it. I'm going to be stupid and make mistakes and not understand, because I'm not who I become.
[So bear with me, that's what his words convey, but what really lies beneath that is: don't be too disappointed in me. Polnareff always shoots his mouth off, says stupid things, makes errors and blunders his way through life-- and god, he doesn't want to do that here. He wants to get it all right, and he knows he can't and he won't.]
no subject
[Oh, oh no, he thinks, oh no, I messed up, oh no, he saw me, that's what he thinks as Polnareff pulls him into a crushing hug. He can't breathe and it dizzies him for a moment before he understands, remembers every touch he's ever had these last few months and how much each one means. How touch is good and safe and okay, and Polnareff will never hurt him, because he is not his father.]
[It makes him want to cry. He doesn't, though, because he thinks that if he starts so will Polnareff, and then neither of them will ever stop. So he bites his lip hard until it hurts and presses his face to Polnareff's shoulder and listens, he listens, he has to always listen, always always always — for Polnareff, his consigliere, who gave up everything for him, or will.]
[He shudders, one deep breath in and one out, and shakes his head. Not a no, but a modification.]
You're not stupid. You're perfect. I missed you so much, and — even if you don't remember, that's not what I missed about you, not the memories. I missed you.
[Fuck, don't, don't cry — he makes a quiet sound of grief and bites it back and wraps his arms around Polnareff's neck.]
I missed you because I love you and you make me feel safe. I like you how you are, however that is. Don't say should, when you're everything you should be.
no subject
We all fight. All of us, Kakyoin and Jotaro and Joseph and you and I-- and I forgot that.
[That they're all battle hardened, no matter how they might present themselves in their off moments. Jotaro is a deadly force of nature, even as he plays with his otter and gets flustered over Kakyoin. Giorno deliberately chose to doom a man to an eternity of agony, and yet he's crying against Polnareff's shoulder; and yet he'd leapt into Polnareff's arms the first day, chattering in Italian, so obvious in his delight to see him.
He doesn't know how to ask what he truly wants to know: is this version of me truly all right? Giorno says it is, that he's everything he ought to be, but he knows he's not-- not yet. He's not, because he saw the way Giorno's face closed, that slight nod, that acceptance that meant you messed up.
But he's something. Some rough version of himself, unpolished but getting there. And maybe that's enough, for now.
He sniffs, trying to steady himself, and smiles over at what he can see of Giorno.]
Mm, any other confessions we want to cover while we're here?
no subject
[He doesn't say it. He can't. Sometimes he doesn't even like thinking about it, even though that's the Polnareff they're used to — and besides, they all promised, didn't they? Him and Jotaro and Kakyoin, the three of them, with their sostegno.]
[A circle has an infinite number of points. Polnareff is one of them now. Thank God.]
[He sighs, and shakes his head.]
No. I think that's dramatic enough, don't you?
no subject
[He pulls back-- not to remove Giorno, necessarily, but so he can see him. All of him, and that's as much a metaphor as it is literal. Polnareff offers half a smile, and yeah, he's still a little teary, but so what, he's allowed a few tears here and there.
One of these nights, they'll talk about like I thought I brought Bruno back. Not now, though. Things are still fragile and a little uncertain-- so they'll save it. They've all the time in the world to talk.]
Come on. There's still some of your birthday cake left. We're owed a treat at the end of tonight.