ic inbox ( ruby city ) Ⅰ

[digiorno]

buongiorno! sorry i missed you; i'll happily get back to you as soon as i'm done with whatever business i'm on. leave a message!

( text | voice | video )

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Comments

[digiorno]

Well, he's definitely going to be annoyed that I was just watching him drink hot chocolate and be dramatic for several hours.

[starmark]

That's what he gets for being dramatic in public.

[digiorno]

Yes, it's definitely all his fault and not at all to do with me being nosy.

[starmark]

Still. I need to tell him about what Kakyoin and I went through with him back home, either way.

I can tell him about you, if you don't want to go through having to be there for it again.

[digiorno]

I don't know. Don't you think it's important that I do it myself? Or at least tell the parts that are mine, myself.

[starmark]

Probably. I mean...yes, it's important, there's no question about that.

But if you didn't want to have to. I mean that I would do that for you. I want you to have the choice, so it's not just something you're stuck with.

[digiorno]

. . . You're doing that more, too. Trying so hard to make sure other people have choices, as often as they can.

You don't realize how important choice is until it's taken away from you, do you.

[starmark]

...I think I hurt myself most when I think I don't have a choice. Yeah.

So I guess now I'm trying to look for them as much as possible. For other people and for myself.

[digiorno]

Il mio magnifico fratello.

What would you say, if you were the one who told him?

[starmark]

He's seen Star, so I'd start with that. Talk to him about Stands some more, talk about the one he develops. Tell him about Mom's, and how she got sick from hers, how he was there and didn't hesitate to jump up and try to do something about it.

The worst is going to be telling him about what happened to Jonathan. His body. He was so mad about it back then, I already know what to expect from it this time. But he has to know that. So I'll tell him that that's how we got our Stands, and also why we had to go after him. To help Mom.

And then I'll say...that before we went after him, Dio had been living in secret for a while. He'd met people, he'd set himself up. He'd gathered people loyal to him.

And then I guess...I guess I would say, and one of the things he did was, he fathered a son who grew up never knowing him, and because I killed him, that son never got to, and...and so that kid, he grew up on his own, never really knowing his family, so he went and found one of his own and did a lot of good, fighting for the things he believed in.

And then I'll say, and I know all of this because I've met him, he's here, and he's my brother and one of the best people I know, and anybody who's got a damn problem with that can line up to the left because to fuck with him they're going to have to get through me first.

...Something like that.

[digiorno]

. . .

If you say all of that and I'm there then I'll just cry, probably.

[starmark]

Are you crying right now?

[digiorno]

No. Not yet. It's just nice. It feels nice. You're nice to me.

[starmark]

OK.

If you want to cry on me you can.

Or if that's weird you can cry on Star while I give you space or something.

[digiorno]

I don't need space. I'm just really happy. Because there never was anybody to fight for me before, and now it seems like there are so many people who would do it without thinking twice about it. Even people who have lots of reasons to hate me, they still love me anyway.

If there's one bad thing it's that I might have forgotten a little bit how to be hated, so that if someone does I won't be as good at it as I used to be.

[starmark]

Because when someone hates you, you have to beat them. Right? You have to win, that's how you solve the problem of being hated.

[digiorno]

That's right. It's more complicated, when I don't just want to win all the time. I just want . . .

I don't know. I like it when people see me how you see me. I don't want everyone to see me like that, but some people, it's nice. And I don't want you to have to fight anyone for me, either. But it hurts more to think of someone hating me than it used to, too, at least when it's a situation like this. If it was just business, I wouldn't care. But it's not.

[starmark]

The more you gain, the more you have to lose. Making things better for yourself means allowing more things that can hurt you, and having to trust that they won't.

Like that, right?

[digiorno]

That's right. I never would've done it before, but now it would feel a little strange not doing it. And it's not the end of the world if they hate me or anything, it would just hurt.

[starmark]

...Have you ever seen a martial artist break a piece of concrete with their bare hand? Not like we do, not with a Stand or anything. Just...a normal person, with training, is what I mean.

There's a point to this, I promise.

[digiorno]

Maybe in a movie once? I don't know. I know what you're talking about, though.

[starmark]

There's a way to train, to do that. You hit something that's soft, like sand, over and over again. And you do it...thousands of times, millions, over a long period of time. And what it does is, it fractures the bones over and over again. Never breaking them, never incapacitating them. But little fractures, that the body recognizes that it needs to repair, so it fixes them. And by fixing them, it builds them up stronger from the reinforcement.

Someone like my mom...things hurt her, all the time. But I think maybe that's what makes her so strong, is that she's built up...hurt after hurt, like striking sand. Little ones. Never so bad that it can't be repaired. But over and over again. So when something comes up, like concrete...

But I think your things, you didn't get years and years of little ones. You and I don't break the concrete with technique, we break it by throwing ourselves at it and hitting it so hard it has to shatter. So we're used to the fractures always being major, and breaking our hand with it, and leaving us with a bunch of healing to do afterwards.

So I think the way you're feeling, it's like cringing at the sight of the concrete block. Because it always hurts when we do it. So it feels stupid to step up and try, because the only way we've ever known to do it is the way that breaks our hand in the process.

[digiorno]

Oh.

Is that what it is? So I just . . . have to learn a different way? Like learning to walk and talk all over again . . . that's what I have to do? And you, too?

[starmark]

Sort of. I think...we have to learn to hit the sand like sand, and not like concrete.

And to recognize when it's sand, and when it's concrete.

And to be brave enough to keep doing it even when we get hurt. Because it's not an "if", it's a "when".

I'm not saying I'm any good at it, just that I think that's what it is.

[digiorno]

That's complicated.

I'm glad I have you to look out for me while I'm figuring out how to do it, or I'd break my hand a lot. And this isn't the kind of thing I can fix.