digiorno | ic inbox ( ruby city ) Ⅰ

[It's not hard work to get up to the roof, even though probably a little more than it would be for Kakyoin. Gold Experience doesn't have the flexibility or malleability of Hierophant, so it's on vines that he's lifted in the end, until he can step easily onto the roof, his Stand shifting back into his body with just a trace of a golden glow left behind.]

Kakyoin?

Over here.

[He seemed like he was at ease for now; this wasn't about him. He could worry about the mess his head was after making sure everyone else was taken care of. So he'd caught his breath and focused himself, sitting with his back to the general direction of the clock tower. Hierophant's coils glowed faintly around his shoulders, held close like a familiar scarf he'd lost a long time ago.]

...You didn't answer me. Are the three of you okay?

[Oh, honestly. It absolutely was about Kakyoin; if it weren't, Giorno wouldn't be here. He would have answered over the watches. But it wasn't surprising to see how little Kakyoin understood that.]

[Might as well make him understand, then.]

Yes. Everyone's safe, no one was hurt.

[He crossed the roof carefully, stepping lightly, his brow furrowed in concern. When he came to Kakyoin's side and sat down, he looked sideways at him for just a moment to pull him in for a tight hug.]

-?!

[He froze up in confusion; he'd half expected Giorno to be angry or at least accuse him of wanting Dio dead outright. For someone who prided himself on keeping a cool head in dire situations and planning out the best course of action to just not act at all was...what was it? Cowardly? Suspicious?]

[It was something. Kakyoin didn't know what to think about basically anything regarding it. But Hierophant moved as its user tried to piece together his own thoughts, sneaking loosely around Giorno's right arm like a snake looking for warmth.]

...I didn't ask if you were hurt. [In hesitant motions, Kakyoin put his arms around Giorno's shoulders--people kept hugging him like this, and he was never sure how to react. Jotaro was one thing, Jonathan and Giorno quite another.]

[For the first time, he realized Giorno was five or so centimeters shorter. It registered as strange, laughably strange somehow. He had such a presence that he seemed to stand taller than all of them.]

I asked if you were okay.

. . . Oh.

[That was . . . true. That was what Kakyoin asked. For a moment he was quiet, considering this, and also just being pleased that Kakyoin wasn't pulling away. There wasn't an ounce of blame in him; how could there be? That the question was even being asked, about Dio, was more than he expected. And . . . he wasn't good at this, at being physically there, because it wasn't part of what he'd made himself good at. But he's trying. And he thought that right now was a good time for it.]

[Kakyoin never really knew how to ask for what he needed.]

[Twining his fingers around Hierophant, he settled against Kakyoin; another moment and Gold Experience was seated on his other side, a silent presence, the two of them dual guards against the world.]

I am. For the most part. Jonathan will be. Dio isn't, but he hasn't been since he got here, and he won't be for a long time, if he ever is.

What about you?

...I don't know. I don't know.

[Steady, controlled. Breathe just like his teacher had shown him, and maybe everything else would put itself in order out of chaos.]

[Giorno was as well as could be expected. In control as much as possible, steadier than any of them ever could be. Jonathan was tougher than a gentle nature made him seem, but Kakyoin would check in with him later too. Dio...Dio was impossible to fully read right now, but it was just as they'd said before. How did a cornered animal react?]

[The vampiric Dio of 1988 had been constantly in control, loving every second of it. A distant emperor of the world with The World in his grasp, untouchable, invincible, immortal.]

[Dio Brando was a twelve year old with a superiority complex.]

I'm not afraid of him. I'm not.

[Breathe.]

But I scared the hell out of myself. I get it now, I get that he's in the same position I was once. Maybe I can't comprehend his personality or get along with him, but I know what it's like to be faced with someone so much more powerful than you. This time I'm the one who could-...

['Let's be friends, Kakyoin'.]

...god, is this how you and Jotaro feel about him?

Edited 2015-12-14 19:38 (UTC)

Kakyoin.

[That was all for a few moments. Just Kakyoin, soft and sorry. No pity, just sorrow. This was too complicated for any of them to deal with, and it was only in moments like this that Giorno truly realized - they were all just children. They should be worried about other things, simpler things. Falling in love and deciding what to be when they grew up. Not thinking about how to deal with your murderer.]

[He squeezed Hierophant a little tighter and leaned his head on Kakyoin's shoulder, sighing heavily.]

You could. But you're not going to. No matter what, when you're yourself, you could never do something like that. I promise you this - I see you far more clearly than you see yourself. I can see your flaws, Kakyoin, even if I keep my observations to myself. That isn't one of them. You aren't a cruel person.

[Breathe. He is not Don Giovanna now, not like he was last night. He is . . . something else.]

I don't know how Jotaro feels about him, like this. I'm having trouble talking to him about it. But for me--

[Just say it. Just say it, just fucking say it, you know it's true and so does he.]

I empathize with him. Which is not what I expected, not what I prepared myself for. He reminded me of myself from the first moment, and more last night than ever before.

. . . I'm sorry.

[This was so unfair. For the two of them, for the rest of Passione, for Jonathan and Lisa Lisa and Jotaro and their friends living and dead back home, at this point even for Dio--it just wasn't fair to anyone involved. What kind of fate decided who had to deal with shit like this, he wondered bitterly.]

[Who decided Kakyoin Tenmei would die and turn eighteen in that order, spending every second carrying a mirror of the mind control that would nearly ruin and end his life?]

[Why should Kujo Jotaro have been stuck in a tragic bloodline with a power to perfectly match the monster that wanted to eradicate it and everyone that fought to save it?]

[What did Shiobana Haruno do to deserve a legacy he might never have truly understood the full scope and horrors of?]

...You don't have anything to apologize for.

[We didn't do shit to deserve this.]

[Slowly, calmly. Kakyoin's voice began to steady itself as he tried to reason out what he was thinking. It wasn't cold, but there was the spark of a gradually sharpening edge.]

[With Giorno and his Stand this close, with Hierophant connecting them that much more, he could focus on what was important right now. Not Dio, not how sickened Kakyoin had been at his own thoughts, not even the distant muda muda muda echoing in his mind. His heart was pounding so hard in his chest that it almost hurt. Good. As long as that was true, he was definitely alive in this moment.]

[What mattered right this second was Giorno, himself, and guilt neither of them deserved to carry.]

I may not be cruel, but I'm not always so nice either. I'm kind of a jerk when I feel like it--you can ask Polnareff sometime. And you're hardly a saint, but you're not...everything he was when I knew him. Light through a flawed gemstone, remember?

[Distorted, but not the same.]

[Dio and Giorno were similar; Kakyoin himself had said so outright. But that didn't mean they were the same. A set of matching claws didn't make one a monster.]

...So don't apologize, because I need your help. I don't know if I can empathize with him without ending up this fucked up about the idea. But it's not...right, otherwise. I can't just be passive-aggressive and practically taunt him like I've been doing, even if it makes me feel safer for it.

I won't blame you for carrying similarities. You know that I won't. So...we can work together. Help me figure out how to deal with him, and you can always come find me if you can't talk to Jojo or anyone else.

Edited (punctuation is hard i am smrt) 2015-12-14 20:52 (UTC)

. . . I do, a little bit.

[He pressed his lips together tightly, looking out with a pinched expression over the city. He liked the coffee shop for what it was, and that was where he'd ended up earlier, right after he took Dio home. He'd done what he wasn't supposed to do, sat in the back alone with a cup of coffee and run his thumb along the rim of the mug, just thinking and thinking, except not thinking at all.]

[He'd been tired then, but he wasn't now. Now he was just sorry. For Dio, for living the life he was certain he'd lived; for Kakyoin, for having to be here, doing this, having to push himself so hard.]

I checked the network, after. I didn't realize it was still broadcasting, when I . . . I should have been more careful, I knew it had upset Jotaro and I knew it would upset you but I was - angry.

[So angry. He scared himself a little, too. It was the same anger he felt when he saw a child on the street, but worse, because Dio was the inverse of himself, pushing outward where he pulled himself in. It hurt, knowing him like that, knowing why he said what he said, why he looked away when he did, why his anger happened - all the futility rolling in his blood.]

[Useless.]

I'm sorry for that, Kakyoin, I want to be more careful. But I won't apologize anymore.

[He squeezes Hierophant again, and then, on impulse, leans up and kisses Kakyoin on the cheek. It's a gesture more for his own comfort than anything else; he doesn't know how to say I'm proud of you in words right now, because he thinks he might have used all of them up, but he is and it needs to be known.]

I want to help you. I would want to help you even if you couldn't help me in return, because we're family and that's what family does. We support each other, no matter what, no matter how hard it is.

It's okay.

[And it was; Kakyoin knew he didn't have the same power to call up horrifying memories with a smile or a word, but he was a terror in his own right when he was angry. Hopefully no one would ever have to see that out in full force, but his temper wasn't always the easiest to control.]

[Right now the only thing that drew his anger was the realization that they lived in a world where people like the two of them and all their friends had to carry much more than anyone could or should have had to bear. The world was unfair and unjust, but anger with no target was the only thing he could manage. Raging against himself was pointless, and against Giorno or the others was unthinkable.]

I'm not afraid of you, either. T...ti voglio bene, right?

[His pronunciation was awkward, but it was the sentiment that mattered. He didn't object or complain this time at the touch to his cheek, both silver-green Stand and redhead user staying exactly where they were; right now it was where they belonged.]

We're family, so you won't have to apologize to me anymore. And I'll try to do the same, from now on. Because it's--...

[Kakyoin stopped abruptly, but only for as long it took for him to decide where a line needed to be drawn and conclude fuck it in as many words.]

Muda muda. Useless apologies are something we don't need.

[I'm not afraid of you, either.]

[He smiled down at his lap, leaned his head against Kakyoin's shoulder again. Okay. That was fine, then. That he didn't doubt at all. Kakyoin wouldn't lie to him about that - if he were afraid, Jotaro wouldn't let him stay around, either. So it must have been true.]

[He really was so proud.]

Ti voglio bene, Kakyoin.

Family can do anything, you know. So I think we can keep this promise and not apologize anymore. I still want to be careful, but it's not the end of the world if one of us makes a mistake.

[Family could do anything, even forgive each other.]

Tell me how I can help you. I want to, please.

Exactly. I don't expect us to be perfect, just functional. I think this group in general can manage that, most of the time.

[He brushed a hand over Giorno's hair, a featherlight touch like he was testing what he could get away with without explicit permission. God forbid he ruin what probably took hours in the morning, he'd probably have to deal with Gold Experience.]

Help me figure out how to talk to him without ending up provoking a fight or something, first of all. You're better at dealing with people than I am--especially him. I can't read him the way he is now, so I'm kind of at a loss.

[Nope, that was perfectly fine. His shoulders went a little stiff at first, just in surprise, but then he stilled and settled and closed his eyes, monitoring the world absently through Gold Experience's eyes.]

Well . . . it's important that you understand--

[He bit his lip. Just because he thought he knew something important about Dio didn't mean he had the right to share it. For that, whether he was right or wrong, Dio would never forgive him - and he would be right not to. There were limits, even for him. So, after a moment, he went a little more broad.]

If you can imagine the most frightened you've ever been, but all the time. It never stops, and you know it never will. And then finally you get free of it and you think you might be able to be somewhere better, and then all of a sudden something happens out of your control and you're right back where you started, or worse.

[So vulnerable.]

You can expect that he'll hardly ever tell the truth. You can expect that he'll want to control every situation if he possibly can. That's the only way he knows to feel safe.

I already expected that much from him--some things don't change, I guess.

[This was going to be nigh impossible. Frowning in thought, he delicately curled a few loose blond strands around his finger. Kakyoin was never all that open with physical affection, but...it was kind of easy when it was Giorno, open as he was about it.]

So basically what we talked about before--a cornered animal about to lash out at everyone that comes near it. In that case, the goal might be in giving him some kind of control over an uncontrollable situation. Right?

It's one of the ways he's not so different from me, I think. I only tell the truth to people who are close to me. The difference is that he isn't close to anyone.

[Yet. Yet. He couldn't think of Dio's fate as irrevocable; if he did, he'd go insane.]

[Not right now, though. Right now Kakyoin was here, so he'd be fine. He squeezed Hierophant again, content despite the subject at hand. Content, safe, secure. This was the only way to have conversations like this, he thought - with constant reassurance, one way or another, that everything would be all right.]

I think that's a good way of putting it. Allowing him to direct the conversation to some extent would be helpful. But, Kakyoin, pushing yourself wouldn't. I know you like to get things right, but you have to be careful for your own sake, too.

I know; I'm trying to figure this out so I can be careful. I'm hardly going to approach him outright, but the next time he talks to me I want a better handle on the situation.

[It was't his style to go into a situation without a plan, or to be unable to formulate one very quickly if he didn't. Knowing what angle to approach the situation from was vital; lay tripwires and tightropes to change the terrain and keep a safety net underneath him, even if he only did it through words and conversation.]

...Am I pushing myself?

[The question came honestly after a short hesitation--he wasn't sure anymore. And Kakyoin fully believed Giorno could see him far more clearly than he saw himself. The only person better at that was Jotaro, but asking him wasn't an option right now.]

Yes.

[He looked up at Kakyoin seriously, his eyes wide and grave.]

I've never known you not to push yourself, even for one second. That's one of the things I like a lot about you. But I think in this particular situation, that tendency is likely to put you in danger from yourself. You'll do well, see that as a sign to push yourself harder, and then become overwhelmed and frustrated because you weren't able to do everything all at once. Do you see what I mean?

...I think I understand.

[He glanced away, thoughtful rather than ashamed. He couldn't argue the point, but Kakyoin wasn't certain of what to do about that. If he was accomplishing something, wasn't it correct to continue and keep trying? Of course, but...no, Giorno was right as he so often was. Kakyoin would end up taking that to some extreme, push himself as hard as he could until he slammed headfirst into a wall.]

I'm just not certain I know how else to approach this.

. . . How about this: every week, you make a goal of one small new thing to try to do, or to try not to do. If you accomplish it that week, then you stop. You don't try to do something else. You just say "Good job, Kakyoin," and you let yourself be done.

If you don't accomplish it, then it rolls over to the next week, no penalties. The important thing is that after one you stop, though.

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