*** HARMONIA has joined 710.35.155.17 <HARMONIA> Buongiorno, sorry I missed you. <HARMONIA> I'll happily get back to you as soon as I'm done with whatever business I'm on. <HARMONIA> Please leave a message.
[ It's true. Max locked it all up so tight. What she and Billy were silently in agreement about was that no one could know. It would make everything so much worse.
Truthfully, part of her felt like she had to. Between the conversation with Ianthe and...all of this, she felt like to be believed, she'd have to disclose something.
But, she wouldn't have, if— ]
yeah but it felt like youd listen
mine never hit me just his son
but it didnt exactly make my brother open to actually being a brother so fucked everything up anyway
dumps some cw child neglect + food restriction on the pile
[It would make everything so much worse. Or, and somehow this thought was always scarier, it wouldn't change a thing. No one would care. No one would step in. No one would even notice. His voice would fly away in the wind just like everything else he'd ever worked up the courage to say — like "stop" or "that's not my name" or "that hurts" or "I'm hungry".]
[But—]
[Max — heard him. She heard him and she saw him and she believed him. And that's — that's almost enough to make him feel like he's done something right. A seed planted. It's still cold under the earth, but it's alive, somewhere inside its shell.]
[It felt like he'd listen.]
i'm glad i try to
[Ultimately, it's the only thing that matters to me. But he doesn't say it. He doesn't think he needs to, and it would exhaust him, putting the words on the screen like that, putting his heart out where he can look at it and see his own weakness.]
it's an infection even if it doesn't come in a straight line it hurts everyone
i'm sorry about your brother it's wanting something that's impossible is hard i never met my father but i had a picture and i thought maybe someday if i do exactly the right thing in the best way he'll come and take me somewhere better and that was worse than not having any hope at all
[ She's terrified. Waiting for everything to go sideways. Even when it doesn't. Waiting for the cosmic "Gotcha!" that always seems to happen when she hopes for something. Waiting to express these thoughts and have something punish her. Her parents' divorce, Billy's death, Vecna—it was all to remind her not to get too comfortable.
It's a fucked up way to think. At the very least, Max acknowledges that. But when history supports it, why should she try and think differently? ]
i thought at first when we met maybe we could get along it sucked but i liked the idea of having a brother and some days it seemed like maybe he liked me too but it always ended his dad reminded him i was just a stupid little girl and letting me help wasnt manly or whatever fucked up bullshit he kept spouting and before long billy started sounding like him more than he sounded like the guy i wanted to be my brother
im not doing a good job of it but im trying to say you dont have to be sorry i hate when people are sorry
[ It's all just words, right? ]
it sucks about your dad i get it i tried to run away to mine once before we moved too far away
he stopped calling or writing after a few months so i dont think it wouldve gone well if i had anyway
[There's a big difference between You don't have to be and I hate when people are. One's deflection. The other's a boundary. He's surprised — and relieved — that Max puts her foot down, even politely.]
if you hate it, then i won't do it can i say instead that it's bullshit and you deserve better? and that your stepfather sounds like a coward and an idiot
[He thinks of Riley and her bloody claws, Riley a year and a half ago a thousand miles and a few feet from him, Riley ripping out the throats of men like that. A laugh, high and verging on hysterical, burbles out of his throat before he can smother it. That's what he wants. That's exactly what he wants. He wants his sister back so she can kill people like that with all appropriate prejudice. He wants his sister back.]
mine was dead so i couldn't do that but he probably would have killed me if i had
i don't blame you for not trusting me it's different, obviously i've never had a brother. i had a sister once. here. not anymore but what i mean is i wouldn't trust me either
its not you i barely trust anyone which isnt really fair but its easier than losing friends when they get too close and decide its too much
besides when its been yanked out of me by the bullshit magic here ive only really told one person about this stuff
[ Lucas, less than a week after meeting him, on the hood of that rundown bus in a junkyard, half-convinced he was making up an elaborate roleplay to impress her. She thought he was lying and still, she started opening up to him.
Lucas, Max has decided, is an exception. Special. He's an idiot sometimes, but she was so, so lonely, and he made her feel so much less.
Like...
Max pointedly doesn't think about it. ]
you can say its bullshit and you can shit talk neil all you want because thats all id do if i could can i say both your dads sound like grade a pieces of shit?
you can absolutely say that. you'd be extremely correct
that's why i don't blame you, though i know it's not me i've never lied to you but that's because steve vouched for you [it hurts to say but he says it and saying it reminds him of a good thing, trusting max is a good thing] he never lies to me so i knew you were safe
[ because steve vouched for you and other things that she'd already known. But instead of what she's been telling herself, that the only reason she's here is because of Steve, it feels...natural.
No, with this knowledge...of course that's how it went.
But even though Steve isn't here now... Giorno's still intent on making this a home for her, too. Something like a home. Something almost close to one.
[Steve brought her, but there was never any question whose decision it really was. She's here because Giorno wants her here. Because she belongs here.]
[Because . . .]
no
i explained it to him, after. but i wouldn't have on my own.
it was a lot of us were made small kids so he saw me. and i didn't want anything to do with anybody, i just ran but he
you know. it's just steve
he made me eggs and tried to make me laugh he was kind when he didn't have to be
that's why i told him, after he said i didn't have to but after that it felt like the end of a sentence and i trusted him with it
Willingly, he handed her, brash and sharp Max, who can't seem to go five minutes without breaking some kind of decorum or insulting someone, this piece of himself. This vulnerability. Even though she could break it.
Her whole face feels hot, which doesn't make any sense. That's normally from blood rushing to it, and hers is still in her veins. But it's a psychosomatic response, as it comes with her throat closing up and her eyes spilling tears, with how she crumples at her laptop and immediately muffles the sound. ]
oh
it feels messed up to say thank you to something like that
[That's almost enough to make him laugh. At the very least, it gets him to crack a smile, the sort you make after a really miserable cry that feels like your face is cracking from all the salt on your cheeks.]
it's okay. i don't think there are good words for things like this, but i know what you mean.
[The closest he can think of is "it's an honor," but that's too formal even for him, and he knows Max would laugh it out the door.]
[well. whatever. words are just words.]
i don't know about you but i'm very tired of crying
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
yeah that's a good plan, tossing on a blanket cw cycle of abuse as well
Truthfully, part of her felt like she had to. Between the conversation with Ianthe and...all of this, she felt like to be believed, she'd have to disclose something.
But, she wouldn't have, if— ]
yeah
but it felt like youd listen
mine never hit me
just his son
but it didnt exactly make my brother open to actually being a brother so
fucked everything up anyway
dumps some cw child neglect + food restriction on the pile
[But—]
[Max — heard him. She heard him and she saw him and she believed him. And that's — that's almost enough to make him feel like he's done something right. A seed planted. It's still cold under the earth, but it's alive, somewhere inside its shell.]
[It felt like he'd listen.]
i'm glad
i try to
[Ultimately, it's the only thing that matters to me. But he doesn't say it. He doesn't think he needs to, and it would exhaust him, putting the words on the screen like that, putting his heart out where he can look at it and see his own weakness.]
it's an infection
even if it doesn't come in a straight line it hurts everyone
i'm sorry about your brother
it's
wanting something that's impossible is hard
i never met my father but i had a picture and i thought
maybe someday if i do exactly the right thing in the best way he'll come and take me somewhere better
and that was worse than not having any hope at all
cw misogyny...
It's a fucked up way to think. At the very least, Max acknowledges that. But when history supports it, why should she try and think differently? ]
i thought at first when we met maybe we could get along
it sucked but i liked the idea of having a brother and some days it seemed like maybe he liked me too but it always ended
his dad reminded him i was just a stupid little girl and letting me help wasnt manly or whatever fucked up bullshit he kept spouting and before long billy started sounding like him more than he sounded like the guy i wanted to be my brother
im not doing a good job of it but im trying to say you dont have to be sorry i hate when people are sorry
[ It's all just words, right? ]
it sucks about your dad
i get it
i tried to run away to mine once before we moved too far away
he stopped calling or writing after a few months so i dont think it wouldve gone well if i had anyway
cw homicidal ideation
if you hate it, then i won't do it
can i say instead that it's bullshit and you deserve better?
and that your stepfather sounds like a coward and an idiot
[He thinks of Riley and her bloody claws, Riley a year and a half ago a thousand miles and a few feet from him, Riley ripping out the throats of men like that. A laugh, high and verging on hysterical, burbles out of his throat before he can smother it. That's what he wants. That's exactly what he wants. He wants his sister back so she can kill people like that with all appropriate prejudice. He wants his sister back.]
mine was dead so i couldn't do that
but he probably would have killed me if i had
i don't blame you for not trusting me
it's different, obviously
i've never had a brother. i had a sister once. here. not anymore
but what i mean is i wouldn't trust me either
no subject
its not you
i barely trust anyone which isnt really fair
but its easier than losing friends when they get too close and decide its too much
besides when its been yanked out of me by the bullshit magic here ive only really told one person about this stuff
[ Lucas, less than a week after meeting him, on the hood of that rundown bus in a junkyard, half-convinced he was making up an elaborate roleplay to impress her. She thought he was lying and still, she started opening up to him.
Lucas, Max has decided, is an exception. Special. He's an idiot sometimes, but she was so, so lonely, and he made her feel so much less.
Like...
Max pointedly doesn't think about it. ]
you can say its bullshit
and you can shit talk neil all you want because thats all id do if i could
can i say both your dads sound like grade a pieces of shit?
no subject
that's why i don't blame you, though
i know it's not me
i've never lied to you but that's because steve vouched for you
[it hurts to say but he says it and saying it reminds him of a good thing, trusting max is a good thing]
he never lies to me so i knew you were safe
otherwise i would have been
you know
anyway
this place has made me tell a lot of times
i've never told anyone on my own until now
[that's
something.]
no subject
No, with this knowledge...of course that's how it went.
But even though Steve isn't here now... Giorno's still intent on making this a home for her, too. Something like a home. Something almost close to one.
And— ]
not even steve?
no subject
[Because . . .]
no
i explained it to him, after. but i wouldn't have on my own.
it was
a lot of us were made small
kids
so he saw me. and i didn't want anything to do with anybody, i just ran
but he
you know. it's just steve
he made me eggs
and tried to make me laugh
he was kind when he didn't have to be
that's why i told him, after
he said i didn't have to but after that it felt like the end of a sentence and i trusted him with it
i told you because i wanted to tell you
no subject
He wanted to, and she was the first one.
Willingly, he handed her, brash and sharp Max, who can't seem to go five minutes without breaking some kind of decorum or insulting someone, this piece of himself. This vulnerability. Even though she could break it.
Her whole face feels hot, which doesn't make any sense. That's normally from blood rushing to it, and hers is still in her veins. But it's a psychosomatic response, as it comes with her throat closing up and her eyes spilling tears, with how she crumples at her laptop and immediately muffles the sound. ]
oh
it feels messed up to say thank you to something like that
[ He really does trust her. ]
no subject
it's okay. i don't think there are good words for things like this, but i know what you mean.
[The closest he can think of is "it's an honor," but that's too formal even for him, and he knows Max would laugh it out the door.]
[well. whatever. words are just words.]
i don't know about you but i'm very tired of crying
no subject
God, she feels like the world's biggest asshole all over again. ]
very tired
its got my fur itching